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Saturday, December 29, 2012

Listen. Just sit quietly as your with your child. Perhaps your child is throwing quite a temper tantrum. Just listen. Try to hear what is really going on. Don’t react and just be in the same space with them while they are having an emotion and see what happens. When we truly open our ears we hear much more than what is being said and we may have more insight as we listen.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Play-in the snow, at home, a game! The number one way kids communicate is through play. Everyone feels less stressed when they are playing. Maybe it’s doing a puzzle or playing a board game. Maybe it’s setting up a video game tournament with everyone in the house…parents included! Perhaps you love playing outside…go sledding or skiing or snow boarding.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Try to be in the moment with your child and our family. Do you wake up thinking of all the things you have to get accomplished-“I have to get this laundry done, I need to clean this room, I have to vacuum, I need to clean the bathrooms”…this list goes on and on. This moment will only be here right now. Be flexible in your expectations of yourself, your loved ones, and your home. It really is more important to spend time with your children and be present with them than for them to have the cleanest room on the block.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Spend extra cuddle or hug time together. Are you the type of person who likes hugs or shies away from hugs? Most kids loved to be hugged…even if they are teenagers! All kids need to know that they are loved and hugging is one of the best ways to do this. Hugging your loved one can send them a message of love and acceptance, of security and safety.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Create a special ritual that’s just something you do in your own family. Maybe you go for a walk every evening or read a special book to each other. Maybe you have a secret handshake or sing a special song. Ask your kids what they want to do. Maybe you call a new family member each day of the week. Perhaps you talk about your dreams or wishes each night before you go to sleep. Rituals give kids structure and structure helps kids feel safe. Once kids feel safe, negative behaviors decrease and positive behaviors bloom

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Be of service and teach your child to be a servant. Give to others. This season is about giving to others. One of the best strategies to do this is to teach children how to give to others. Color a picture, make a craft project, donate used toys, or volunteer. Many people are in need of something and sometimes knowing that others are in need helps us put perspective in our own lives.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Laughter is great medicine. I have never once had an experience where I got finished laughing and thought, “I’m so bummed I just did that. I never want to laugh again.” That just seems silly, doesn’t it? So often, as parents, we are caught up in controlling things and trying to manage behavior, we forget to laugh. Rent a funny movie. Play a funny game. Tell each other funny stories. Tell a good joke. This will help you and your children laugh. Do whatever it takes for you to laugh!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Cook together and eat as a family. Let the children have some control over the menu and making the table look festival. It’s true, food really can bring people together. Let his holiday season be a time of bringing your family together. Yes, the dinner table may be chaotic. Yes, kids will refuse to eat. Yes, you will want them to eat and may be frustrated. Focus on the togetherness and not on the eating. Focus on listening to the rhythm of your own house. Ask your child what happened in his/her day. Share what happened in yours.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Ask for help, talk with other parents. Maybe you have some things you need to get done this season…like shopping or cleaning. Call a friend and take turns watching each other’s kids so you can both get done what you need to get completed. You will feel good getting your stuff done as well as helping your friend out. Your children will be excited to have a play date at someone else’s house.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Trust the Power of Relationsip in Adoption

I recently talked with a mother who was very distressed about her adult daughter. Her daughter’s drug addition had gotten worse. So had the consequences for her daughter. As we talked, it was apparent that the mother was experiencing secondary trauma as a result of her daughter’s behavior. She came to me because of my experience with addictions and because I’m a Christian counselor. As we talked, she disclosed that her support system kept telling her what to do. They kept giving her advice. She began doubting her sanity because she couldn’t do what she needed to do. That is a desperate place for any of us. I was able to validate her where she was at emotionally. I had her breathe through her trauma feelings and she immediately felt some relief. Finally, some one listened. Isn’t that what we all really what? We usually have the answers to our problems or we will soon get there. I don’t doubt that her support system cared for her. What they lacked was a window of tolerance to be able to handle another’s trauma. I explained to her that we live in an emotion phobic society. It is too hard for others to listen to our pain. So to avoid our own pain, we give advice. This really doesn’t help the person we’re trying to support. It takes us out of relationship with them and they stay stuck. It’s a challenge to all of us to listen to the pain of others. We need to be in a love relationship with them. Find out about “The Power of Relationship”. Go to http://bit.ly/pBwc85

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Fear & Adoption IV

I received an e-mail from a foster mother who was very distressed. I could feel her desperation and urgency. Amber and her husband John have two foster children, ages three months (Sally) and three years (Rod). Rod will soon be leaving to go back to his biological mother. Amber and John have plans to adopt the three month old, Sally. Without knowing any history of either one of the parents, think about the triggers for fear. Here’s just a few. Grief of Rod leaving. Fear of how his biological mother will treat him. Self doubt that they did mpt do enough for Rod. Being divided between Sally and Rod and how to give both of them what they need. Feeling of failure with Rod because he’s been very dys-regulated due to leaving. Pressure from agencies as to why Rod is struggling. Being criticized because they do not follow “tradition” parenting of time out and consequences. How can we be good enough parents for Sally when we failed with Rod? Emotional distance in the marriage. Will we be trusted with other foster children? All of these would be normal triggers for the most well adjusted foster family who has done a lot of healing work. This couple is very young in age. They have not been married very long. Both admit that they have unresolved issues of their own. I am encouraged that they are brave enough to take a closer look at themselves. The last line of the e-mail stated that “We are exhausted and want our life back.” How many times have you said that? That thought has crossed my mind and my child is grown and has been on her own for 18 years. I am not writing about this to be judgmental or critical. This couple and all foster/adoptive families face tremendous challenges. They face fear day in and day out. I am writing to raise awareness of these challenges. But most importantly, I am writing to encourage you and others to give these families unconditional support and encouragement. They need our love and non-judgmental support. It would be easy to say, “well, they shouldn’t have adopted if they knew they had issues.” “What’s wrong with them, didn’t they know this would happen when they adopted?” Please don’t go there with anyone who has opened their homes and hearts to a child who needs a family. Love them where they’re at and join them in their journey. To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIOurself is defined by your self worth or self definition. These definitions are a function of shame. Shame is a self defeating belief that we are not worthy, not good enough, and don’t measure up. Shame is a belief of being inherently flawed and therefore undeserving of any success or happiness. I encourage you to take a hard look at yourself and explore shame in your life. Not sure what shame is? Find out by reading October, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter “What Exactly is Shame?”Go to http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

Take time, be mindful, and enjoy your family time this week end. Remember to give thanks and praise in and for all things.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Fear & Adoption III

I recently spent a few days visiting my “adoptive kids” Trey and Chenoa. Trey is a “love miracle”, crack cocaine baby. Trey was adopted at birth. When he came home he was greeted by Ella. Ella was a very large, cuddly dog. Trey’s mother, sister, and Ella loved him into health. Ella became a big part of Trey’s emotional safety and regulation. Ella tragically died three years later. This was devastating for the entire family. They are still grieving this loss. While I was there, Trey started talking about Ella. He felt safe and regressed emotionally. He has also done this before with his mother. His mother has struggled as to how to help him. Her immediate response (actually it’s a reaction which I’ll explain later) is to get him another dog. When Trey started talking about Ella and crying, she asked me what to do. I told her breathe, relax, and be present. I pulled Trey onto my lap and held him. I validated his grief feelings and gave him a short narrative about losing Ella. “I told him what it was like for him when he first came into this world. It was a scary place and he was sick. Ella was there to comfort him. His mother and Chenoa were there to comfort him.” Not only is Trey grieving what he remembers, but he is also grieving his pre-verbal trauma. This short narrative gave his left brain words to his right brain’s pre-verbal experience. I explained to his mother that her fear of doing this with Trey caused her to try to fix him by buying him a dog. That’s why I called her response a reaction. Her unconscious fear was that she would need to re-visit that time in Trey’s life on an emotional level. That can be hard for any of us to do when our child’s trauma is part of our trauma. Remember fear says “fix it” and love says “allow it to heal”. Read Trey’s complete story. Go to http://bit.ly/pBwc85 and read “Adoption - Love Affair”.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Are You Worthy?

This may seem like a very odd or unusual question. If the answer is no or you doubt this about yourself, it will be a challenge along your parenting journey. November is Nation Adoption Awareness Month. My work focuses on helping families have successful adoptions. The definition of a successful adoption is probably as varied as the number of families with adopted chidlren. An essential ingredient for a successful adoption is how parents feel about themselves. In the DVD - Trauma, Brain & Relationship - Helping Children Heal, Judyth O. Weaver, PhD, Santa Barbara Graduate Institute says that “We need to work with parents who can feel good enough about themselves so that they can allow their children to feel good enough...” Feeling good about yourself is defined by your self worth or self definition. These definitions are a function of shame. Shame is a self defeating belief that we are not worthy, not good enough, and don’t measure up. Shame is a belief of being inherently flawed and therefore undeserving of any success or happiness. I encourage you to take a hard look at yourself and explore shame in your life. Not sure what shame is? Find out by reading October, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter “What Exactly is Shame?”Go to http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Challenge of Adoption - Never Give Up

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. With it comes the mention of the negative aspects of adoption. The story about the parents who returned their adopted children to Russia has re-surfaced. Unfortunately, there are failed adoptions. Most any parent whose child has challenging behaviors has reached the end of their rope. This can also happen with parents whose children may not have these challenging behaviors. Where does a parent find hope? The only true and consistent source of hope comes from Jesus Christ. Jesus never gives up on us. As hard as that may be, that is what is expected of us as parents. I recently heard a teaching sermon on this that really spoke to me. It is by Brian Zahn, Word of Life Church, St. Joseph, MO. Pastor Zahn narrates the story of Peter as told by John in John 21. Jesus never gave up on Peter, even after Peter forsake him. Jesus never gives up on us or our chidlren. We have to draw on our faith to allow Jesus to work in and through us so that we never give up. Humanly impossible? Yes, without Jesus. Jesus prays that Peter’s “faith may not fail” him, Luke 22:32. Parent with courage and strength from the Holy Spirit. To listen to or download the pod cast of Brian Zahn’s sermon, go to http://wolc.com/podcast/ Sunday, October, 30, 2011

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Fear & Adoption II

This real life adoption story comes from a foster mother. I’ll call her Tina and her 3 year old foster child I’ll call Sam. Tina is new at utilizing the Post Stress Model in her foster home. Sam has been with them for approximately six months. He’s made fairly good progress and at one time Tina and her husband were considering adoption. That did not materialize because the biological mother has stepped up to the plate and there are plans for re-infatuation in the next month or so. Sam had been presenting some challenges lately. These challenges occurred because a three month old was brought into the foster home. The addition of a three month old triggered everyone’s unconscious fears. Everyone’s window of tolerance was decreased. Due to this additional stress, Tina began to question what she was doing. In her emotional exhaustion, she wondered if she should continue trying to connect with Sam because he would be leaving in a few weeks anyway. Her rational was that why increase more closeness for him to grieve? I understand how and why she got to this place. Daniel Segal states (paraphrase) that from studies of resilience, if a child has one care giver that he feels securely attached to, then that one secure attachment will increase that’s child resilience through out his or her life (from the DVD Trauma, Brain &Relationship - Helping Children Heal). I shared this with Tina. I also told her that continuing to connect with Sam and increasing their closeness would actually help him grieve. It would help him grieve not only now, but also in the future. Her closeness with him would continue to facilitate healing in his life. If she allowed her fear to interfere in their relationship between now and adoption time, Sam would experience more rejection. Our fears can easily take us out of relationship with our children. Tina became aware of her fear of not being adequate enough for Sam and the new baby. Her fear took her to a place to cause her to withdraw. She then needed a rationalization to justify what she was doing, which she intuitively knew was wrong. I’m not judging her, but pointing this out as a learning situation for all of us. All we have is what is in the moment. I challenge you ask yourself in each situation with your child - “What can I do to improve my relationship with my child at this very moment?” To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Fear & Adoption I

November is Adoption Awareness Month. This provides me with an opportunity to write about real life adoption situations. I’ll call this adopted 6 year old girl Abby. Her adoptive mother, Gretta, is very much on board with the Post Stress Model. Abby is struggling in school. There are several situations in school that are overwhelming to her sensory and neurological system. Abby is very bright and does not have any external scars. She internalizes her stress reactions. This has made it difficult to advocate for her because the school says that she doesn’t “look” stressed. Since her performance is above average, the school doesn’t understand the problem. Gretta has provided the school with numerous resources that explain neurological processes and adoption trauma. Unfortunately they don’t “get it”. This is a common challenge for many adoptive parents. Abby’s mother will probably make the decision to home school Abby. As I processed this decision with Gretta, there was a sense of desperation in her voice. I helped her slow down and identify what was triggering her stress. They live in a small town and there was the fear of criticism and the “looks” that they already get from the community. Another unconscious fear that was being triggered was Gretta’s fear of not being a good enough teacher at home. Still another unconscious fear was not doing enough or doing the right things to help Abby resolve her adoption issues. These are all fears that are common and normal for most any parent who’s child has challenging behaviors. In this particular case, I always re-direct Gretta back to keeping it simple. Sometimes she complicates things when there is regression. Fear does this, we urge ourselves to fix it. Remember, fear says fix it, and love says allow it to heal. I suggested that Gretta rely on the strategies and interventions that have always worked in the past. Being mindful and present is the bottom line for parenting and connecting in relationship. Sure, there are certain strategies that will help. However, without being present and mindful, the best strategies available will not work. As I was writing this, the words “be still and know that I am God” kept resonating in my spirit. I couldn’t find that exact reference but there are many references in the Bible to the assurances of God. Joel 2:29 (Message) says “And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am Jehovah your God, and there is none else; and my people shall never be put to shame.” Our children, whether adopted or not, need to know that we are always there for them. It is our challenge to be mindful and present for them just as our Heavenly Father is always present for us. To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Stress Model

All behaviors arise from a state of stress. In between the behavior and the stress is the presence of a primary emotion. It is through the expression, processing, and the understanding of that emotion that we can calm the stress and diminish the behavior. Bryan Post - Great Behavior Breakdown. My other articles and newsletters on fear are available to you as a free resource. My book, Christian Parent Wisdom is an excellent resource that combines stress model principles with scriptures in a daily meditation format. Buy Christian Parent Wisdom at http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive a FREE 30 minute consult with me when you mention that heard about this FREE offer though this Blog on your order.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Tolerate Crying as a Need for Empathy

Many times crying becomes intolerable to parents. This probably due to them not being allowed to cry or if raised by the Dr. Spock philosophy allowed to cry without being consoled. Crying is a communication that a child has reached a pint far outside his window of tolerance. It’s an indication of being swept away by a swift current and having nothing to hold onto. Change your paradigm from crying being weak to crying being a call for help from a very scared child. My other articles and newsletters on fear are available to you as a free resource. My book, Christian Parent Wisdom is an excellent resource that combines stress model principles with scriptures in a daily meditation format. Buy Christian Parent Wisdom at http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive a FREE 30 minute consult with me when you mention that heard about this FREE offer though this Blog on your order.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Don't Make Anger Your Focus

Anger is usually the most focused on feeling. This tells us that we are fearful in nature. We are scanning our environment for anger because it is threatening and causes threatening behaviors. If we look for anger we are going to find it. Change your paradigm to look for fear in your children. See fear and you will see love and comfort as the answer. My other articles and newsletters on fear are available to you as a free resource. My book, Christian Parent Wisdom is an excellent resource that combines stress model principles with scriptures in a daily meditation format. Buy Christian Parent Wisdom at http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive a FREE 30 minute consult with me when you mention that heard about this FREE offer though this Blog on your order.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Ignore the Behavior, Don't Ignore the Child

Behavior is a communication. Behavior may be the only way a child can express their fear and trauma. Shift your paradigm from behavior change based to being love based and emotionally safe based. That will regulate your child and he can then begin to put words to his fears. You will be creating a safe environment for healing. My other articles and newsletters on fear are available to you as a free resource. My book, Christian Parent Wisdom is an excellent resource that combines stress model principles with scriptures in a daily meditation format. Buy Christian Parent Wisdom at http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive a FREE 30 minute consult with me when you mention that heard about this FREE offer though this Blog on your order.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Interrupt Trauma Reactions with Love

Trauma can be a long-lasting experience. It can affect individuals for their entire life. It sensitizes the neurological system towards stress and fear eventually leading to a conditioned state. This conditioning leads to a stress sensitive and fear-filled child. This chronic state of living in fear makes life very challenging because any stressor can trigger a traumatic reaction. This conditioned state can only be interrupted with love. My other articles and newsletters on fear are available to you as a free resource. My book, Christian Parent Wisdom is an excellent resource that combines stress model principles with scriptures in a daily meditation format. Buy Christian Parent Wisdom at http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive a FREE 30 minute consult with me when you mention that heard about this FREE offer though this Blog on your order.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Parents Look Within to Trigger Oxytocin

It is critical for parents to be able to see the fear and stress within themselves. When parents can be a witness to their own stress, they have a greater ability to calm themselves. If fear or stress is present, they can take a few deep breaths become regulated. This turns on their oxytocin response. As the parent becomes calm they are able to handle their child’s fear and stress and then assist the child in triggering their oxytocin response. My other articles and newsletters on fear are available to you as a free resource. My book, Christian Parent Wisdom is an excellent resource that combines stress model principles with scriptures in a daily meditation format. Buy Christian Parent Wisdom at http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive a FREE 30 minute consult with me when you mention that heard about this FREE offer though this Blog on your order.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

A Defiant Child is a Scared Child

Believing that anger is our natural reaction to a threat is a common miss-perception. The neurophysiological reaction to a perceived threat is fear. When cave men were confronted by wild animals they did not immediately go into fight or flight mode. First there was a freeze which gave his brain the opportunity to determine flight of flight. Consider this when dealing with a defiant child. Any attempt to force the child into action will quickly move the child from freeze to flight or flee. My other articles and newsletters on fear are available to you as a free resource. My book, Christian Parent Wisdom is an excellent resource that combines stress model principles with scriptures in a daily meditation format. Buy Christian Parent Wisdom at http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive a FREE 30 minute consult with me when you mention that heard about this FREE offer though this Blog on your order.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

State Level Reactions

Children with severe behaviors do not consciously choose to act out that behavior. These behaviors are driven from a highly unconscious place - their state level trauma memories. My other articles and newsletters on fear are available to you as a free resource. My book, Christian Parent Wisdom is an excellent resource that combines stress model principles with scriptures in a daily meditation format. Buy Christian Parent Wisdom at http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive a FREE 30 minute consult with me when you mention that heard about this FREE offer though this Blog on your order.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Stress Model

All behaviors arise from a state of stress. In between the behavior and the stress is the presence of a primary emotion. It is through the expression, processing, and the understanding of that emotion that we can calm the stress and diminish the behavior. Bryan Post - Great Behavior Breakdown. My other articles and newsletters on fear are available to you as a free resource. My book, Christian Parent Wisdom is an excellent resource that combines stress model principles with scriptures in a daily meditation format. Buy Christian Parent Wisdom at http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive a FREE 30 minute consult with me when you mention that heard about this FREE offer though this Blog on your order.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

School Success Tip #'s 9 & 10: Reduce, 10/20/10, and the Three R's*

Reduce - You may need to make your child=s school world smaller. This could include breaks during recess to help reduce over stimulation, working with a study buddy, smaller assignments, having special time with a teacher or other staff. 10/20/10 and the Three R=s are very simple, powerful techniques. They will help you connect in relationship with your child and increase your child=s secure attachment. You can read about these powerful techniques by going to http://bit.ly/nNyPn6 and down loading my March 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Parenting Tips. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

School Success Tip #8: Assess the Classroom Environment*

Become familiar with the physical setup of the classroom. Ask for permission to spend some time in the classroom with your child. Pay attention to noises, lights, hallway distractions, and peer interactions. The business of the classroom is important to assess. This means looking at how much information is displayed on the walls, objects hanging from the ceiling, and the manner in which the walls are decorated. Assess how the teacher greets each child as they enter the classroom as well as their demeanor during teaching times. You can usually tell how personable a teacher is by observing how children respond. Tone of voice, facial expression, and eye contact can either be soothing or over simulating. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, September 22, 2012

School Success Tip #7: Help Your Child Find Resources and Empower Your Child*

Start with teaching your child internal resources. Teach him to breathe in and self regulate. Help your child identify his body symptoms of stress so he can do his own early intervention. Next of all identify external resources. Find out who your child feels emotionally safe with at school and encourage development of those relationships. That person may be one of the support staff who work in the cafeteria, maintenance, or housekeeping. Develop strategies that the school and your child can use in times of stress. This could be something as simple as a safe room or safe space within the school. Connection with a safe person is the best. You could prearrange times for telephone calls to help your child connect with you when he is at school. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

School Success Tip #6: Responding Rather than Reacting*

Here=s a couple of basic stress model principles to remember when you find yourself reacting rather than responding to your child. Remember that you are reacting from your unconscious. You are coming from a place of fear rather than love. This is fairly simple to overcome. First of all, slow down and think. Allow you to take several deep breaths and relax. You can then connect with your child and help him regulate. Even after you react, you can stop and create the space to respond. Continue to do your own work around your emotional trauma so when it gets triggered you can respond rather than react. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, September 15, 2012

School Success Tip #5: Understand What Your Child Views as a Threat*

Many times adults lose track of their child=s perspective. Understanding your child=s perspective is all part of meeting your child where they are. This has to do with understanding and validating their reality. What you perceive as being safe may or may not be safe to your child. Help your child put words to what is not safe. Connect with your child and without asking a lot of questions encourage them to talk about their day at school. Your child may not use the word threat or fearful when describing situations. Listen for words like hard, not liking, and even adjectives like stupid or lame. These words may be your child=s cognitive renditions of an underlying fear or threat. If your child says he Adoesn’t=t know@ use a short social story to describe what you think your child may be experiencing. You can then work with your child and teacher and develop an effective strategy to help your child feel safe. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

School Success Tip #4: Be Mindful of Situations That Cause Stress*

Here are some examples that can be stressful situations for your child. Walking in line to change classes or to go to an activity, lunchtime and the cafeteria, group activities either in the classroom or on the playground, riding the school bus, and substitute teachers, just to name a few. You may need to be a detective and investigate what situations are the most stressful for your child. Effective strategies can be developed for each one of these situations to help your child. Successful outcomes with transitions and stressful situations are usually a function of your child=s regulation and connection with his teacher and/or safe person in the school. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, September 8, 2012

School Success Tip #3: Transitions*

Transitions are huge. Transitions are usually a source of fear and terror for children with traumatic histories. This is called transition trauma. Any new stimulus is coded as a threat until it can be deemed safe. Transitions are initially coded as fear; therefore your child needs help in regulating through the transition. As you reduce your child=s fear around transitions he will eventually be able to handle transitions in a more regulated manner. There are many transitions throughout the day. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating breakfast, getting in the car to go to school, and changing classes, ad infinitum. Your child=s ability to handle transitions sets the tone of regulation for his day. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

School Success Tip #2 Set Your Expectations Based on Your Child's Emotional Age*

If you encounter significant challenging behaviors with your child, then your child=s emotional age will be very different from the grade that he is going into. Children with traumatic histories bring their histories into the school room with them. Having realistic expectations based on your child=s emotional age will significantly reduce pressure from you at home. This includes social expectations. Your child may not feel safe socially at school. Besides making accommodations for this at school, you can arrange small social interactions with your child outside of school. Appropriate expectations in the classroom will help your child grow out of his regressed developmental level. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, September 1, 2012

School Success Tip #1: BE an Advocate for Your Child*

It takes a lot of courage to make sure that your child=s needs are being met during the school year. It is important to start the first day of school knowing that the teacher will be the right teacher for your child. It may take a meeting with the principal and teacher prior to school starting to begin the process. Overcome your own fears prior to attempting this. Remember that your child needs to be understood. Even though the teachers are professionals, you need to trust that you know what your child needs. You are the only one who can truly advocate for your child. By doing so, you will enhance your child=s secure attachment to you as well as help your child have a successful school year. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Back to School Tips 9 & 10: Recude, 10/20/10 & Three R's

Reduce - You may need to make your child=s school world smaller. This could include breaks during recess to help reduce over stimulation, working with a study buddy, smaller assignments, having special time with a teacher or other staff. 10/20/10 and the Three R=s are very simple, powerful techniques. They will help you connect in relationship with your child and increase your child=s secure attachment. You can read about these powerful techniques by going to http://bit.ly/nNyPn6 and down loading my March 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Parenting Tips. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Back to School Tip #8: Assess the Classroom Environment*

Become familiar with the physical setup of the classroom. Ask for permission to spend some time in the classroom with your child. Pay attention to noises, lights, hallway distractions, and peer interactions. The business of the classroom is important to assess. This means looking at how much information is displayed on the walls, objects hanging from the ceiling, and the manner in which the walls are decorated. Assess how the teacher greets each child as they enter the classroom as well as their demeanor during teaching times. You can usually tell how personable a teacher is by observing how children respond. Tone of voice, facial expression, and eye contact can either be soothing or over simulating. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Back to School Tip #7: Help Your Child Find Resources and Empower Your Child*

Start with teaching your child internal resources. Teach him to breathe in and self regulate. Help your child identify his body symptoms of stress so he can do his own early intervention. Next of all identify external resources. Find out who your child feels emotionally safe with at school and encourage development of those relationships. That person may be one of the support staff who work in the cafeteria, maintenance, or housekeeping. Develop strategies that the school and your child can use in times of stress. This could be something as simple as a safe room or safe space within the school. Connection with a safe person is the best. You could prearrange times for telephone calls to help your child connect with you when he is at school. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Back to School Tip #6: Reacting Rather Than Responding

Here's a couple of basic stress model principles to remember when you find yourself reacting rather than responding to your child. Remember that you are reacting from your unconscious. You are coming from a place of fear rather than love. This is fairly simple to overcome. First of all, slow down and think. Allow you to take several deep breaths and relax. You can then connect with your child and help him regulate. Even after you react, you can stop and create the space to respond. Continue to do your own work around your emotional trauma so when it gets triggered you can respond rather than react. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Back to School Tip #5: Understand What Your Child iews as a Threat*

Many times adults lose track of their child=s perspective. Understanding your child=s perspective is all part of meeting your child where they are. This has to do with understanding and validating their reality. What you perceive as being safe may or may not be safe to your child. Help your child put words to what is not safe. Connect with your child and without asking a lot of questions encourage them to talk about their day at school. Your child may not use the word threat or fearful when describing situations. Listen for words like hard, not liking, and even adjectives like stupid or lame. These words may be your child=s cognitive renditions of an underlying fear or threat. If your child says he Adoesn’t=t know@ use a short social story to describe what you think your child may be experiencing. You can then work with your child and teacher and develop an effective strategy to help your child feel safe. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Back To School Tip #4: Be Mindful of Situations That Cause Stress*

Here are some examples that can be stressful situations for your child. Walking in line to change classes or to go to an activity, lunchtime and the cafeteria, group activities either in the classroom or on the playground, riding the school bus, and substitute teachers, just to name a few. You may need to be a detective and investigate what situations are the most stressful for your child. Effective strategies can be developed for each one of these situations to help your child. Successful outcomes with transitions and stressful situations are usually a function of your child=s regulation and connection with his teacher and/or safe person in the school. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Back to School Tip #3: Transitions*

Transitions are huge. Transitions are usually a source of fear and terror for children with traumatic histories. This is called transition trauma. Any new stimulus is coded as a threat until it can be deemed safe. Transitions are initially coded as fear; therefore your child needs help in regulating through the transition. As you reduce your child=s fear around transitions he will eventually be able to handle transitions in a more regulated manner. There are many transitions throughout the day. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating breakfast, getting in the car to go to school, and changing classes, ad infinitum. Your child=s ability to handle transitions sets the tone of regulation for his day. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Back to School Tip #2: Set Your Expectations on Your Child's Emotional Age*

If you encounter significant challenging behaviors with your child, then your child=s emotional age will be very different from the grade that he is going into. Children with traumatic histories bring their histories into the school room with them. Having realistic expectations based on your child=s emotional age will significantly reduce pressure from you at home. This includes social expectations. Your child may not feel safe socially at school. Besides making accommodations for this at school, you can arrange small social interactions with your child outside of school. Appropriate expectations in the classroom will help your child grow out of his regressed developmental level. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Back to School Tip #1: Be an Advocate for Your Child

It takes a lot of courage to make sure that your child=s needs are being met during the school year. It is important to start the first day of school knowing that the teacher will be the right teacher for your child. It may take a meeting with the principal and teacher prior to school starting to begin the process. Overcome your own fears prior to attempting this. Remember that your child needs to be understood. Even though the teachers are professionals, you need to trust that you know what your child needs. You are the only one who can truly advocate for your child. By doing so, you will enhance your child=s secure attachment to you as well as help your child have a successful school year.




*Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW



If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6



Saturday, July 28, 2012

Summer Challenge - Increased Manipulaiton

The world will tell you that negative behaviors are the way your child tries to manipulate and control you. And that you should punish those behaviors. Look past your child’s negative and challenging behaviors. Shift your paradigm and see these behaviors as your child’s communication for connection with you. Free yourself from all the shoulds of the world. This may be a challenge. Think about how God allows our negative behavior and waits for us to talk with Him. Christian Parent Wisdom #55 - Freedom Christ releases me from old patterns and the shame-based “shoulds” that surrounded me. I can now be all I was created to be and receive all He has for me. I am free to be in a loving relationship with my child. If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36 Purchase Christian Parent Wisdom now @ http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive 30 minutes of phone coaching or a 30 minute spiritual consult for FREE when you mention you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your purchase order.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Summer Challenge - Withdrawal

Withdrawal is all about self-protection. It’s not about being lazy, selfish, or self centered. Summer time activities can easily become over whelming. This may put your child in a survival role. Withdrawal is a common form of self protection. It’s part of our natural fight or flight response to fear. Don’t let your child’s behavior cause you to feel captive and separate you from your child. Celebrate all channeling behaviors as an opportunity to connect with your child and help them progress developmentally. Christian Parent Wisdom #46 - Freedom My freedom in Christ allows me to make choices to improve my relationship with my child. I choose to have a peaceful and harmonious relationship. I choose to focus on God’s good in my child. As servants of God, live as free people. 1 Peter 2:16 Purchase Christian Parent Wisdom now @ http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive 30 minutes of phone coaching or a 30 minute spiritual consult for FREE when you mention you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your purchase order.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Back to School Tip #6: Responding Rather than Reacting*

Here's a couple of basic stress model principles to remember when you find yourself reacting rather than responding to your child. Remember that you are reacting from your unconscious. You are coming from a place of fear rather than love. This is fairly simple to overcome. First of all, slow down and think. Allow you to take several deep breaths and relax. You can then connect with your child and help him regulate. Even after you react, you can stop and create the space to respond. Continue to do your own work around your emotional trauma so when it gets triggered you can respond rather than react. *Adapted from 10 Important Back-to-School Tips for Parents and Teachers - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW If you find yourself needing additional support and encouragement to advocate for your child, contact me for a FREE 30 minute phone consult when you subscribe to my weekly Christian Parent Wisdom http://bit.ly/nmOEXw and mention that you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your subscription order. I offer more school strategies and resources in my July 2012 Love in Action Newsletter - Back to School Resources at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Summer Challenge - Sibling Rivalry

When siblings spend more time together there is usually an increase in sibling rivalry. This rivalry is their way of telling you they need more connection with you. It’s not about jealousy or envy. Let chicken represent available love. When there’s more mouths to feed at once, fear of starvation (emotional) sets in and each child feels afraid there won’t be enough chicken for them. Siblings then become a threat to each other. Take a deep breath and allow the Holy Spirit to help you cook up a little more chicken for the kids. Christian Parent Wisdom #28 - Abundant Life I celebrate life today with my child. We are refreshed through prayer. We are his creations and have a greater life and abundance through him. I came that they may have more life, and have it abundantly. John 10:10 Purchase Christian Parent Wisdom now @ http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive 30 minutes of phone coaching or a 30 minute spiritual consult for FREE when you mention you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your purchase order.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Summer Challenge - Meal Time

Summer challenge - meal time Increased physical and emotional activity causes dys-regulation of the brain’s appetite sensor. Even though your child “should” be hungry after a day’s activities, your child may not sense it or “feel” hungry until they are regulated. Help your child regulate before meals times. Use this as a time of emotional and spiritual connection. Pray with your child. Christian Parent Wisdom #35 - Prayer I model an attitude of gratitude for my child. Together, we give thanks in prayer for all we have and all we experience. Our lives become a prayer walk with God. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1Thessalonians 5:16–18 Purchase Christian Parent Wisdom now @ http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive 30 minutes of phone coaching or a 30 minute spiritual consult for FREE when you mention you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your purchase order.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Summer Challenge - Irresponsibility

Irresponsible behavior is a sign that your child is over whelmed, not lazy. You may need to make your child’s world a little smaller during the summer. Not enough structure leads to dys-regulation. Put order in your child’s life Christian Parent Wisdom #47 - Divine Order In the midst of dys-regulation, I look past any chaotic, present circumstances. I seek spiritual understanding, while God’s divine plan for my family unfolds. Order is then restored in my life and my relationship with my child. From now on, therefore, we regard no one from a human point of view; even though we once knew Christ from the human point of view, we know him no longer in that way. 2 Corinthians 5:16 Purchase Christian Parent Wisdom now @ http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive 30 minutes of phone coaching or a 30 minute spiritual consult for FREE when you mention you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your purchase order.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Summer Challenge - Socail Aggression

Remember that aggression is a sign of fear. Social situations can easily become over whelming for children with trauma histories. Look past the aggression and see your child as being afraid and let your heart lead you to connect in love. Christian Parent Wisdom #17 Love God’s love is there to comfort me in all circumstances. I chose to comfort my child in all circumstances. As I connect with my child, we find the peace within our hearts. Let your steadfast love become my comfort according to your promise to your servant. Psalm 119:76 Purchase Christian Parent Wisdom now @ http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive 30 minutes of phone coaching or a 30 minute spiritual consult for FREE when you mention you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your purchase order.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Summer Challenge - Melt Downs After a Good Time

Remember that positive stimulation can overwhelm a child who has a small window of tolerance. Don’t punish the melt down, take responsibly for not providing enough emotional safety for your child and use this opportunity to connect and expand your child window of tolerance. Be emotionally safe and steadfast for your child in all circumstances. Christian Parent Wisdom #15 Steadfast When fear and dys-regulation disrupts order and harmony, I affirm all is well. I clear my mind of all concerns. I remain steadfast knowing God is in control. My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast. Psalm 108:1 Purchase Christian Parent Wisdom now @ http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive 30 minutes of phone coaching or a 30 minute spiritual consult FREE when you mention you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your purchase order.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Summer Challenge - Boredom

Boredom is not a lack of motivation. Your child is probably hypo-arouse or emotionally shut down. Connect with your child and develop a list of activities he or she is interested in. Be an encourager for your child. Christian Parent Wisdom #14 Encouragement I choose to use words that edify and encourage my child. Encouragement and compassion is an essential ingredient in providing a secure base for my child. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, as indeed you are doing. Thessalonians 5:11 Purchase Christian Parent Wisdom now @ http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive 30 minutes of phone coaching or a 30 minute spiritual consult for FREE when you mention you heard about this FREE offer though this blog on your purchase order.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Being a Father - Tip #9

Understand the difference between punishment and discipline.

A child’s obedience is a function of the co-regulation between the parent and with the child. Co-regulation creates a secure base. A secure base influences obedience. A secure base creates positive neurological feedback loops and positive conditioning. Lack of co-regulation between parents causes children to react out of fear. So parents, if you’re dys-regulated, then don’t expect your children to be obedient. When you are dys-regulated, God doesn’t get upset with you. He doesn’t put you in time out. He is there for you regardless of your state of regulation. This is the model you need to follow with your children. Unfortunately there has been a blurring of definitions and lack of understanding of expectations. Punishment is used and is expected to get the results of discipline. Isn’t it more sociably acceptable to say that you’re “disciplining” your child rather than punishing him? I have found that most parents believe punishment and discipline are synonymous. Also, parents don’t truly understand what a natural consequence means.

Read more on punishment and discipline in my April & May 2011 Love in Action Newsletters.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Being a Father - Tip #8

Take care of yourself.

Focus on transforming yourself into the parent God wants you to be. As a parent, you have to feel good enough about yourself to be emotionally available to your child. Your window of tolerance needs to be able to handle any emotion their child brings to them. You need to be a secure attachment figure for your child. God calls us to be in a state of love for our children. You are the best and most likely agent of change for your child. To do this you must be in the process of resolving your own issues. I believe this calls for a heart change.

Read January 2011 Love in Action Newsletter “Being Transformed” for additional support.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Being a Father - Tip #7

Be present and mindful.

Challenges make it difficult to be present and mindful with your child. Fear causes us to regret the past and obsess about the future. Ever done that? All of us do. As human beings we live our lives largely in memory and imagination. We are either remembering the past or imagining the future. Physically our bodies are present, but our minds are elsewhere. Take a few deep breathes and focus. Try to be fully present in the moment. Try to be fully mindful. This can be very difficult to do. It has to take place a micro second at a time. That is why the skill of emotional regulation and clearing your mind is so important to develop. Dan Siegel explains the neuro-psychology aspect @ http://bit.ly/skvVSt. This is an important concept to understand. It is just as important to understand the spiritual aspect of the process of connecting in relationship. When two or more are gathered a spirit is created. This is found in Matthew 18:20. “For where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am with them.” I don’t fully understand it. This is a mysterious thing that we probably don’t fully understand. However, the phenomenon of a spirit created by people who are present is a powerful thing.

Read more about the spiritual aspect of being present by reading “The Power of Presence - Being Mindful” @ Ken Thom’s Articles.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Being a Father - Tip #6

Increase quality time with your child.

I recommend that you start to make special opportunities to be with your child by learning the 10-20-10 strategy on a regular basis. Here’s a formula to follow. You spend 10 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes in the afternoon, and 10 minutes in the evening with your child. These are special opportunities to be with your child. These opportunities are to just listen without judging, blaming, or shaming. Validate whatever your child is saying and feeling. Validation does not mean you agree with their opinion. Validation means that you are listening to your child. By doing this families can begin to repair their broken relationship. Repairing your relationship with your child helps you influence your child to start making more responsible decisions and demonstrating respect.

Incorporate daily scripture based meditations during your 10-20-10 time.

Get “Christian Parent Wisdom” @ Ken Thom Products

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Being a Father - Tip #5

Reverse negative neurological feedback loops.

You can reverse negative feedback loops by interrupting your child’s stress cycle. This will help you connect with your child. Begin by exploring what is contributing to the negative neurological feedback loops within the family. You need to identify your negative reactions to your child’s behavior. Begin to understand what in your past triggers this negative reaction. Understanding this is critical in developing secure attachments with children. You need to have an understanding of your own childhood attachments. Your own history of attachments and relationships is the blueprint you follow. Until this blueprint is changed you will continue to perpetuate negative neurological feedback loops within the family.

Looking for more information? Get "The Great Behavior Breakdown" by Bryan Post

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Being a Father #4

Be slow to anger and quick to listen and forgive

James 1:19-21tells us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” and ready to forgive (my paraphrase of verse 21). I recently found a new perspective for forgiveness. The Daily Word (paraphrased), April 18, 2012 thought for the day: “I give the gift of forgiveness for the blessing of peace of mind.” Forgive is the combination of the words give and for. Ask yourself what you would be willing to give for peace of mind. Would you be willing to give up pain and anger to enjoy a better life? How about giving up judgment or criticism of your past for freedom to live in loving ways? This gives forgiveness a whole new powerful perspective.

"Be kind to one another . . ., forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you."
Ephesians 4:32

To find our more on forgiveness, read my August & September 2011 Love in Action Newsletters

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Being a Father - Tip #3

The three phase intervention.

Use the three phase intervention to help connect with your child. The three phase intervention consists of reflect, relate, and regulate. Reflect: How am I feeling right now? It is not OK for a parent to say to a child ‘Tell me how you feel” unless the parent has examined his or her own feelings. When you connect to yourself, you can communicate in a secure way. Relate: While you’re breathing say “I feel ________ right now, and I need to know how you feel”. Your child may not know so give him or her words for what you sense they are feeling. “You look (angry/sad/scare). Are you feeling ___________?” Then say “tell me more, I want to hear about it”. “Tell me louder”. Regulate: Remain regulated and accept all the feelings your child can give you. Your calm, regulated state will help your child become regulated and move into relationship with you.

Want to learn more? Get "The Great Behavior Breakdown" by Bryan Post

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Being a Father - Tip #2

Look for healing opportunities.

Challenges bring with them great opportunities for healing and re-connection. Interrupt your child’s stress cycles. Breathe in and get past your own fear. Become emotionally safe for your child. Respond in love and you will send positive energy to the places that need healing. Emotional regulation through love promotes healing. Help your child become refreshed at the cellular level. Your part in the healing process is to create a safe environment. Your part in the healing process is to bring love, grace, and forgiveness into our children’s life. Your part is to allow love, grace, and forgiveness to flow through our lives. When you do this, you help create an environment conducive to healing for your child. You are not responsible for healing but you are responsible to others to help them on their journey to heal. Simple? Yes. Complex and hard to do? Yes. Perfect love and forgiveness comes only from Jesus through our relationship with him. Therefore you must work to get yourself into that place of love and forgiveness.

"It will be a healing for your flesh and refreshment for your body." Proverbs 3:8

Find out more, read “Healing Journey” @ Ken Thom Articles

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Being a Father - Tip #1

Use the power of your relationship to be influential and not controlling.

Bruce Perry says that the heart of humanity lies in our relationships. Everything we learn, we learn from relationship. We are neurobiologically designed to be in community and relationship. We are designed to respond, to reach out, and to seek other relationships. Without relationships we are physiologically at risk. If we are not in relationship we die. God’s model is that He loves us first so we can become loving. Then as parents we must love our children so they can become loveable and obedient. It is imperative that we focus on our vertical relationship with God so we can then have a similar horizontal relationship with our children.

Find out more, read “The Power of Relationship” @ Ken Thom Articles

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Being a Mother Tip #9 - Understand the differencebetween punishment and discipline.



A child’s obedience is afunction of the co-regulation between the parent and with the child. Co-regulation creates a secure base. A secure base influences obedience. A secure base creates positive neurologicalfeedback loops and positive conditioning. Lack of co-regulation between parents causes children to react out offear. So parents, if you’redys-regulated, then don’t expect your children to be obedient. When you are dys-regulated, God doesn’t getupset with you. He doesn’t put you intime out. He is there for you regardlessof your state of regulation. This is themodel you need to follow with your children. Unfortunately there has been a blurring of definitions and lack ofunderstanding of expectations. Punishment is used and is expected to get the results ofdiscipline. Isn’t it more sociablyacceptable to say that you’re “disciplining” your child rather than punishinghim? I have found that most parentsbelieve punishment and discipline are synonymous. Also, parents don’t truly understand what anatural consequence means.



Read more on punishment anddiscipline in my April & May 2011 Love inAction Newsletters.



Saturday, May 26, 2012

Being a Mother Tip #8 - Take care of yourself. 

    
     Focus on transforming yourself into the parent God wants you to be.  As a parent, you have to feel good enough about yourself to be emotionally available to your child.  Your window of tolerance needs to be able to handle any emotion their child brings to them.  You need to be a secure attachment figure for your child.  God calls us to be in a state of love for our children.  You are the best and most likely agent of change for your child.  To do this you must be in the process of resolving your own issues.  I believe this calls for a heart change.
 

Read January 2011 Love in Action Newsletter “Being Transformed” for additional support.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Being a Mother Tip #7 - Be present and mindful.


     Challenges make it difficult to be present and mindful with your child.  Fear causes us to regret the past and obsess about the future.  Ever done that?  All of us do.  As human beings we live our lives largely in memory and imagination. We are either remembering the past or imagining the future.  Physically our bodies are present, but our minds are elsewhere.  Take a few deep breathes and focus.  Try to be fully present in the moment.  Try to be fully mindful.  This can be very difficult to do.  It has to take place a micro second at a time.  That is why the skill of emotional regulation and clearing your mind is so important to develop.   Dan Siegel explains the neuro-psychology aspect @ http://bit.ly/skvVSt.  This is an important concept to understand.  It is just as important to understand the spiritual aspect of the process of connecting in relationship.  When two or more are gathered a spirit is created.  This is found in Matthew 18:20.  “For where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am with them.”  I don’t fully understand it. This is a mysterious thing that we probably don’t fully understand.  However, the phenomenon of a spirit created by people who are present is a powerful thing.
 

Read more about the spiritual aspect of being present by reading “The Power of Presence - Being Mindful” @ Ken Thom’s Articles.



Saturday, May 19, 2012

Being a Mother Tip #6 - Increase quality time with yourchild.


I recommend that you start tomake special opportunities to be with your child by learning the 10-20-10strategy on a regular basis. Here’s aformula to follow. You spend 10 minutesin the morning, 20 minutes in the afternoon, and 10 minutes in the evening withyour child. These are specialopportunities to be with your child. These opportunities are to just listen without judging, blaming, orshaming. Validate whatever your child issaying and feeling. Validation does notmean you agree with their opinion. Validation means that you are listening to your child. By doing this families can begin to repair theirbroken relationship. Repairing yourrelationship with your child helps you influence your child to start makingmore responsible decisions and demonstrating respect.




Incorporate daily scripturebased meditations during your 10-20-10 time. Get “Christian Parent Wisdom” @ Ken ThomProducts

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Being a Mother Tip #5 - Reverse negative neurological feedback loops.

     
You can reverse negative feedback loops by interrupting your child’s stress cycle.  This will help you connect with your child. Begin by exploring what is contributing to the negative neurological feedback loops within the family.  You need to identify your negative reactions to your child’s behavior.  Begin to understand what in your past triggers this negative reaction.  Understanding this is critical in developing secure attachments with children.  You need to have an understanding of your own childhood attachments.  Your own history of attachments and relationships is the blueprint you follow.  Until this blueprint is changed you will continue to perpetuate negative neurological feedback loops within the family. 

Looking for more information?  Get "The Great Behavior Breakdown" by Bryan Post

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Being a Mother Tip #4 - Be slow to anger and quick to listen and to forgive


    James 1:19-21tells us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” and ready to forgive (my paraphrase of verse 21).  I recently found a new perspective for forgiveness.  The Daily Word (paraphrased), April 18, 2012 thought for the day:  “I give the gift of forgiveness for the blessing of peace of mind.”  Forgive is the combination of the words give and for.  Ask yourself what you would be willing to give for peace of mind.  Would you be willing to give up pain and anger to enjoy a better life?  How about giving up judgment or criticism of your past for freedom to live in loving ways?  This gives forgiveness a whole new powerful perspective.

Be kind to one another . . ., forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:32

To find our more on forgiveness, read my August & September 2011 Love in Action Newsletters

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Being a Mother Tip #3 -  The three phase intervention. 


     Use the three phase intervention to help connect with your child.  The three phase intervention consists of reflect, relate, and regulate.  Reflect:   How am I feeling right now?  It is not OK for a parent to say to a child ‘Tell me how you feel” unless the parent has examined his or her own feelings.  When you connect to yourself, you can communicate in a secure way.  Relate: While you’re breathing say “I feel ________ right now, and I need to know how you feel”.  Your child may not know so give him or her words for what you sense they are feeling.  “You look (angry/sad/scare).  Are you feeling ___________?”  Then say “tell me more, I want to hear about it”.  “Tell me louder”.  Regulate: Remain regulated and accept all the feelings your child can give you.  Your calm, regulated state will help your child become regulated and move into relationship with you.

Want to learn more?  Get "The Great Behavior Breakdown" by Bryan Post

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Being a Mother - Tip #2 Look for healing opportunities. 

     Challenges bring with them great opportunities for healing and re-connection. Interrupt your child’s stress cycles.  Breathe in and get past your own fear.  Become emotionally safe for your child. Respond in love and you will send positive energy to the places that need healing.  Emotional regulation through love promotes healing.  Help your child become refreshed at the cellular level.  Your part in the healing process is to create a safe environment.  Your part in the healing process is to bring love, grace, and forgiveness into our children’s life.  Your part is to allow love, grace, and forgiveness to flow through our lives.  When you do this, you help create an environment conducive to healing for your child.  You are not responsible for healing but you are responsible to others to help them on their journey to heal.  Simple?  Yes.  Complex and hard to do?  Yes.  Perfect love and forgiveness comes only from Jesus through our relationship with him.  Therefore you must work to get yourself into that place of love and forgiveness.   

It will be a healing for your flesh and refreshment for your body.  Proverbs 3:8

Find out more, read “Healing Journey” @ Ken Thom Articles

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Being a Mother - Tip #1

Use the power of your relationship to be influential and not controlling.

Bruce Perry says that the heart of humanity lies in our relationships.  Everything we learn, we learn from relationship.  We are neurobiologically designed to be in community and relationship.  We are designed to respond, to reach out, and to seek other relationships.  Without relationships we are physiologically at risk.  If we are not in relationship we die.  God’s model is that He loves us first so we can become loving.  Then as parents we must love our children so they can become loveable and obedient.  It is imperative that we focus on our vertical relationship with God so we can then have a similar horizontal relationship with our children.

Find out more, read “The Power of Relationship” @ Ken Thom Articles

 

Monday, April 30, 2012

Jesus Heals Shame

It’s important in this journey to separate religion from spirituality. Religion is the way that you practice your spirituality. It is a structure through which you demonstrate your faith. Religion is made by man. Therefore it is flawed. All too often, our perception of spirituality and faith is damaged by religion. Therefore, it is important to look past religion to what you believe in. You may need to review the articles on forgiveness when religious and other human experiences block your spiritual journey. Be courageous and press on to break the bondage of shame and heal spiritually. Belief in Jesus means that there is a power greater than yourself that you can rely on. Jesus said in John 14:6 NIV “I am the way and the truth and the life.” That is not to the exclusion of others but that Jesus is the ultimate power. That is very scary for shame-based people because of their lack of trust. Their lack of trust is based on their human experiences. It is natural and normal to place human characteristics on God. Our human experiences dictate our perceptions.

Find out more about healing shame through grace, read January 2012 Love in Action Newsletter
@ http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Love Heals Shame

A big stumbling block I find in most shame-based people is their lack of understanding of God grace. If your shame blocks you from being able to receive the full measure of God’s grace, then read the January 2012, Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives. God’s gift is already given. It is there for you to take. John 19:30 NIV - Jesus hung on the cross and said “it is finished”. His work on the cross gives you permission to throw off the bondage of shame. His work on the cross allows you to be released from the shackles of your shame. The closest thing I can compare this to is the love you give your children. No matter what, you wouldn’t take it away. No matter what, you wouldn’t stop giving it. You may not feel that way at times, but I believe that is what is in your hearts. God put it there. He does it perfectly. You must strive to do the same. Your new faith-based community will help you see this. They will encourage you along your journey.

Find out more about healing shame through love, read January 2012 Love in Action Newsletter
@ http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Faith Heals Shame

As you begin this process of healing, you’ll begin to feel the love of Jesus. Shame will cause you to doubt this love. Shame will block out the power and the love of God. Shame will block out the healing grace of God. That is why encouragement from other believers is so important. Reading the word of God will help you understand the new information needed for your paradigm shift. The Bible is full of God’s promises and words of encouragement. I’ll begin with Jeremiah 1:4-5 NIV - “before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you part; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” This establishes that God has a direction for your life from the beginning. Your paradigm shift will allow you to see yourself through new spiritual eyes. Being born again gives you a new life. 2 Corinthians 4:16 NIV tells you that “we are being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 3:18 NIV gives you your new image. You are shifting your paradigm from a world view to a view of what God’s will is for you. Romans 12:2 NIV tells you that you will be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Hope Heals Shame

Shame tells us that we are sinners with no hope. Right now, I’m telling you that there is hope. You may be in a place where that is hard to believe. All I am asking is that you be open to the hope that is available. This will take a paradigm shift of whom and what you believe in. This will take a paradigm shift of where your security is based. Any paradigm shift is overwhelming. Paradigm shifts are not events. Paradigm shifts are a process. Many times I find my personal spiritual journey overwhelming. That’s because I am constantly being challenged to continue to change my paradigm to being more spiritual. A paradigm shift takes willingness and effort to embrace new concepts. It takes repetition and emotional impact. Emotional impact occurs when you actually see and feel new techniques working. You need to become educated and develop new awareness. You need to develop a complete understanding of new information. As I discussed in the previous articles, shame-based people look to other people, places, and things to make them feel good. I will get right to the point. The paradigm shift I’m asking you to make is to put your hope in Jesus. That is where your security needs to be based. Jesus is who you need to believe in. The word of God is what you need to believe in. It is imperative to remember that a paradigm shift is a gradual process. You will be challenged. However, there is support and resources along your journey to help.

Find out more about healing shame through hope, read FEBRUARY 2012 Love in Action Newsletter @ http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Grace Releases the Bondage of Shame

You may be in a desperate place in life regarding a relationship. You may be in a desperate situation in regards to your finances. You may be desperate in both of these areas. If you are there now, it is because you have relied on yourself. Even though self-reliance hasn’t worked in the past, you have continued to do so. That is all part of your self-defeating, shame-based cycle. There are numerous accounts in the Bible of people being in desperate places and situations. When they stepped out of the way, God’s grace took over and provided the victory. God defeated Goliath through David. Samuel Chapter 17 NIV. Jesus went into the wilderness for forty days, did battle with the devil, and when he came out began his work - the redemption of the world. Matthew Chapter 4 NIV. What are the Goliaths in your life? What are the desert experiences you are facing? I realize that the pain of life is overwhelming. You probably are experiencing many disappointments. You may be walking with disillusionments. Your days may be dark and long. You think things will never change. I implore you to take a risk. This may be the biggest risk of your life. Trust in God and receive the full measure of his grace. Ignore the false promises of the world. Trust in the truth, which will set you free. John 8:32 (NIV) - “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” This truth is grace. It is grace that will set you free from the bondage of shame.

Find out more about healing shame through grace, read January 2012 Love in Action Newsletter
@ http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Grace Heals Shame

God’s grace is necessary and sufficient to take release us from the bondage of shame. You are probably asking, how can that be? The apostle Paul says that ...”in great endurance; in troubles, hardship and distresses; . . .”yet we live on”. We are alive not dead, we are rejoicing and posses everything. 2 Corinthians 6 NIV. Let me begin by explaining what grace is. Grace is God’s favor upon you that you will never deserve. You cannot earn it. You cannot buy it. Anything you do to earn God’s grace, makes it less than it is. God loves you even though you are undeserving. God loves you even though you are unworthy. God loves you when you are unlovable. This is probably not congruent with how you feel on the inside. It goes against every shame-based blueprint you have developed. God views you through the blood of Jesus. God favors and blesses your life. The world tells us to measure ourselves by achievements and material worth. This is just another form of legalism. Remember that the law kills and the spirit gives life. When you are born again, you put off the old and put on the new. The new is Christ’s new life for you. You are redeemed and freed from the bondage of shame. You don’t have to carry the old of the past with you. Why would you chose to live in the shame and guilt and ugliness of your past life? Why would you when you were given grace for free. Romans 5:15 American Standard

Find out more about healing shame through grace, read January 2012 Love in Action Newsletter
@ http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Affirmations Help Heal Shame

Affirmations - positive self talk - are a useful self motivation tool. Identify the negative shame messages that are conditioned responses to situations in your life. Replace them with uplifting, positive messages to yourself. There may also be certain people, places, and events that you need to stay away. Part of your self care is not exposing yourself to shame producing stimuli. Obviously you may not be able to avoid everything that produces shame in your life. However, there are many situations that you can just stay away from. For those situations that you can’t avoid, use your new self awareness and be mindful of your situation. When someone or some event gives you a ticket for a ride on the shame bus, you now have the choice to not take the ticket. If you unexpectedly take the ticket, you don’t have to get on the bus. If for some reason you get on the bus, you can get off any time you want.

Find daily affirming meditations - Christian Parent Wisdom @ http://bit.ly/mVZggY

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Healing Shame by Following Through

Most shame-based people I have talked to know what they need to do different. The problem is that they do not follow through with a decision that has a potential positive outcome. There are two components of not following through. A shame-based person’s internal definition is not congruent with success. That incongruence keeps a person from following through. There is too much unconscious resistance to taking that first positive step. The second component is a spiritual battle. The Apostle Paul says in Romans 7:15 (NIV) - “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do but what I hate I do.” As Christians we also know that “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full”. - John 10:10 (NIV). Pray about all your decisions and ask others to pray for you. “I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.” - Philippians 4:13 (NIV). Identify a task that you believe you can realistically achieve.

Find out more about healing shame, read December 2012 Love in Action Newsletter
@ http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Jesus and Healing Spiritual Shame

Belief in Jesus means that there is a power greater than yourself that you can rely on. Jesus said in John 14:6 NIV “I am the way and the truth and the life.” That is not to the exclusion of others but that Jesus is the ultimate power. That is very scary for shame-based people because of their lack of trust. Their lack of trust is based on their human experiences. It is natural and normal to place human characteristics on God. Our human experiences dictate our perceptions. Therefore, we expect God to treat us like others have. If you did the work suggested in the first four articles, then you should be developing a new support system. I strongly recommend that this include a church community or church family. As you begin this process of healing, you’ll begin to feel the love of Jesus. Shame will cause you to doubt this love. Shame will block out the power and the love of God. Shame will block out the healing grace of God. That is why encouragement from other believers is so important. Reading the word of God will help you understand the new information needed for your paradigm shift. The Bible is full of God’s promises and words of encouragement.

Learn more by reading February 2012 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Healing Spiritual Shame

This is usually the most challenging area for shame-based people. Spirituality is the deepest level that humans operate from. Spirituality is deep within our core. The ability to live in peace and harmony is a function of our spirituality. Shame contaminates our spirituality. It causes our spirituality to be very negative. Shame keeps us operating from a fear base, not a love base. The basic definition of a shame-based person is at they are flawed and inadequate and do not deserve happiness or success. Shame blocks what God wants for us. Shame reinforces our belief of being unworthy. Shame tells us that we are sinners with no hope. Right now, I’m telling you that there is hope. You may be in a place where that is hard to believe. All I am asking is that you be open to the hope that is available. This will take a paradigm shift of whom and what you believe in. This will take a paradigm shift of where your security is based. I will get right to the point. The paradigm shift I’m asking you to make is to put your hope in Jesus. That is where your security needs to be based. Jesus is who you need to believe in. The word of God is what you need to believe in.

Learn more by reading February 2012 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Releasing the Bondage of Shame in Finances

Shame interferes with a person’s ability to manage their finances successfully. Financial responsibility is not necessarily a function of how much money a person makes. Financial responsibility is based on a person’s attitude about money. Financial responsibility consists of effective and efficient use of resources. The manner in which shame effects finances may not be as obvious as it is in other areas of a person’s life. Shame-based people doubt that they can be financially responsible. They usually don’t believe they deserve success financially. Many times a shame-based person does not have enough money because they are underemployed. Why are they underemployed? Because they don’t believe they can get or deserve a better paying job. Shame-based people usually reject discipline. Therefore, it is hard for them to follow a budget. Saving on a regular basis can be nearly impossible for shame-based people. The same thing goes for investment. Delayed gratification is not a strong characteristic of a shame-based person. If you buy to feel good or to make up for a loss, then you are probably spending out of your shame. Your performance based blueprint tells you to spend more and more. It tells you to buy bigger and bigger.

Learn more by reading January 2012 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Releasing the Bondage of Shame in Relationships

Relationships determine the quality of our life. Bruce Perry, MD, (Trauma, Brain, & Relationships - Helping Children Heal) states: “Everything that is important about life as a human being, you learn in context of relationships.” That’s a very powerful statement. Think about it. When person complains or have a problem it usually has to do with another person. Even if it’s a job issue, personalities are usually involved. We may want not want to admit, but we are in a relationship with our job or our career. There are numerous reasons why shame-based people fail at relationships. There are chapters in books devoted to this topic. I’ll provide an overview of how shame causes failure in relationships. Shame-based people fear intimacy. They are afraid of being hurt again because that is the blueprint of their previous relationships. You need to heal from past hurts is necessary in order to be intimate again. Otherwise, getting close to another person triggers past hurt. Not seeing yourself worthy of being loved is a setup for failure. Some shame-based people will turn into caretakers to “fix” their self-worth.

Learn more by reading January 2012 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Releasing the Bondage of Shame

A paradigm shift is necessary to begin releasing the bondage of shame. The first step in shifting your paradigm begins when you are able to see the world as benevolent and yourself as worthy. A shame-based person does not see their world is being benevolent because of their experiences that have taught them shame in their life. This may seem to be an overwhelming task considering the condition of our world today. If you don’t see the world as benevolent, then everyone is your enemy. This makes it very hard to get anything good out of this world. This is keeps you in a state of hypervigilence and fear. Secondly, shame-based people need to start taking risks. When taking risks, you may lose something of value. What shame-based people fear losing the most is the little bit of self-esteem they already have. This part of the paradigm shift consists of separating yourself (who you are) from your experience. For example, a failing grade does not mean you are a failure. An offer not being accepted is not a rejection of you as a person. It is simply a rejection of your offer. Shame-based people get their self-worth from performance. Separating yourself worth from your performance can be a difficult task. The third step in this paradigm shift is distinguishing between risks that have potential positive outcomes and those risks that are a setup for failure. Initially you need to begin by not repeating previous failures. Identify patterns of failure.

Learn more by reading December 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Where Does Shame Come From? Part II

Shame is taught or learned in many ways. The following is not necessarily an exhaustive list. I’m sure there are many more ways that shame develops into self-defeating patterns in our lives. Even if you do not recognize the example as happening in your life, it may occur to you later on as you explore examples that are familiar to you. Shame-based people block out the past because it is so painful. Allow yourself time to explore your past. Physical abuse - this is touch or sexualized behavior that is hurtful and given without compassion. The message again is that there must be something wrong with you. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have happened. Being made responsible for other people’s behavior - this is being responsible for something you have no control over. For example a parent’s drinking problems, siblings destroying things, or conflicts in the family. Blame - Regardless of what is happening, it is your fault. You become a scapegoat. Being expected to know but never taught or given opportunity to learn - The message here is that your mistakes make you a mistake. Because you don’t intuitively know how to do something, there must be something wrong with you. Sibling comparison - comparisons are made on a wide range from being smart, being athletic, being pretty, to being responsible, and many more. Religion - You were told or you defined yourself as evil or a sinner and need penance to be good. This causes you to be shame-based versus grace-based.

Learn more by reading November 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Where Does Shame Come From? Part I

Shame is taught or learned in many ways. The following is not necessarily an exhaustive list. I’m sure there are many more ways that shame develops into self-defeating patterns in our lives. Even if you do not recognize the example as happening in your life, it may occur to you later on as you explore examples that are familiar to you. Shame-based people block out the past because it is so painful. Allow yourself time to explore your past. Universal criticism - It means that nothing I do is good enough. If I get three A’s and one B, then only the B is focused on. When I clean the house, the dust I missed in one corner is focused on. Neglect - You many have known that you are loved, but there was still a sense that something was missing or that something is wrong with you. This can come from lack of physical presence. On an unconscious level it comes from lack of emotional presence even when the physical presence is there. No rules - Children usually celebrate when they have no rules. The unconscious message is that they are not important enough to have rules. When there are no rules, parents do not pay attention to their children. Rules that could not be met - this occurs when rules are unreasonably high or too rigid to be met. The unconscious message is that something is wrong with you. Lack of touch - not to being held is very abusive. When you see your friends being hugged and you aren’t, the only way to understand it is that there must be something wrong with you.

Learn more by reading November 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives