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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Moving Forward

New Years is usually a time of reflection. Use your time of reflection as a way for you continue forward in your journey. There may be things that still trouble you. There may be a need for grieving and forgiveness. Be mindful of these, but don’t let them weigh you down. Do the work necessary to help you move on. Celebrate your awareness of what you need to do. Too many times we allow our awareness of our struggles to become bondage. Realize that your awareness gives you a new perspective. Realize that your circumstances have changed. Realize that you have changed. Begin by letting go of more of the old. Bring with you the best from the past and create a new beginning. Use prayer and meditation to guide you.

“See, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare.” Isaiah 42:9

Learn how to be mindful and relax FREE CD @ http://bit.ly/vhCuVV



HAPPY NEW YEAR ! HAPPY NEW YEAR !
HAPPY NEW YEAR ! HAPPY NEW YEAR !
HAPPY NEW YEAR ! HAPPY NEW YEAR !
HAPPY NEW YEAR !

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Divine Order

How can that be? We’re still in the midst of the holidays. The Christmas season brings many things into our lives. Our worldly focus is shifted to the birth of Christ. We are able to see family members who live a distance away. We exchange gifts and focus on giving. Christmas also brings stress. Our schedules are disrupted. We eat less on the healthy side. Christmas festivities can easily cause over stimulation which leads to dys-regulation. Divine order, just like love is always there. We need to be mindful of ourselves and our children. We then need to slow down and become attuned to the Holy Spirit. When we breathe and slow down, we are able to seek God that is in us. We begin to realize that God is working through us. Connecting with God gives us the inner peace we need to allow our lives to unfold as has it planned for us. Confusion and challenges disappear. It is not too late to take advantage of my special Christmas gift to you. Learn more about this @ http://bit.ly/w2Z0ki.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Merry Christmas

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace

Isaiah 9:6

Merry Christmas

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Good Stress Needs Regulation Too

Too many times we forget that good stress can cause dys-regulation too. Children as well as adults can get over simulated and have meltdowns. This kind of dys-regulation can be easily miss-understood as lack of appreciation or being self centered. I have heard parents respond by saying, “Well you had a good time and got what you wanted, isn’t that enough?” The problem is that it is usually more than enough emotional stimulation. Your child truly appreciates the party or fun time with his or her friends. Dys-regulation is dys-regulation regardless of good or bad stress. Dys-regulation causes confused and distorted thinking. The amygdala is aroused and oxytocin response is shut down. Result - TEMPER TANTRUM - for a seeming positive event. More than likely the parent is also over simulated and doesn’t realize that he or she is close to exceeding their window of tolerance. Try making your child’s world a little smaller and giving them Christmas excitement in smaller portions. Let the love and oxytocin flow through the holidays. Are you having difficulty as a parent slowing down and regulating? Get help learning to relax with one of my relaxation CDS @ http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Loving Words = Stress Busters

Loving Words = Stress Busters

Ephesians 4:29 “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, . . “. What a powerful statement. Through your words you have the power to change situations. Remember, God “spoke” the world into existence. You can choose to provoke anger, discouragement, resentment, and shame. Breathe, relax, and think before you speak. Allow yourself time to regulate and connect with the love of God so you can chose your words wisely. Chose words of grace, peace, appreciation, and encouragement. If you take time to reflect and become regulated, you allow the Holy Spirit to work in you and the person you may be having a conflict with. Given time, the person who has upset you will have time to regulate. They will be open to connecting with the love you offer through your words. Need help in getting regulated and connecting with God? Take advantage of my free gift to you @ http://bit.ly/w2Z0ki

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Loving Behaviors

Loving behaviors put into action a very powerful force. That force is God’s love that is in us. We have the ability to release this love when we stay connected to God. Love connects us to others and we then help them release the love of God that is within them. We appreciate and respect our family members and friends. We demonstrate forgiveness and grace. We see the good in ourselves and the good in others. The more love I give, the more my love grows because it is fueled by those around me. Conflict is replaced by a spirit of cooperation. Give more love this Christmas season and experience more love in your life. Love is always available. Take a few deep breathes and step into the love that is available.

Take advantage of my free gift to you @ http://bit.ly/w2Z0ki

Saturday, December 10, 2011

All My Needs II

Philippians 4:19 says “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” In the previous blog I discussed God is our supply, he is dependable and gives us hope. Further more, God gives to us not out of, but according to his riches in glory. This means that we don’t get the left overs. We sit down and experience the entire banquet. God is on always on time. God always does it the right way. His works are designed specifically for each one of us. During our journey we experience many wounds, failures, and scars. These are also taken care of through forgiveness and God’s healing power. John 10:10 says “.......... I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Don’t miss out this Christmas season. Freely accept what God has freely given. If you’re traveling alone along your journey, you’ll miss it. Connect with God and be blessed. Get my personal testimony “Spiritual Connection” @ http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

All I Need I

Many of the parents who came to the parent camp in Wisconsin in November were first time participants. This usually means that they are exhausted all of their resources. Nothing they have tried works consistently for any length of time. These parents feel Ike they’re on a treadmill that takes them through crisis after crisis and things don’t get better. This is not at all a judgment or criticism. This is a common story from parents who have adopted or take in foster children. They are exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am encouraged to say the Bryan Post’s Stress Model gives parents hope because it works. Even when using these strategies, parenting children with challenging behaviors can be exhausting. This is when we need to use our spiritual resources. Philippians 4:19 says “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”

God is the source of our supply. He gave us Jesus which is a gift that indwells in us. We do not have to depend on our own abilities or strength. All our needs are met through God’s endless supply. We can always depend on God. God pursued us. God is loyal and faithful even when we are not and don’t deserve it. The gift of Jesus gives us hope as our savior. We then look forward to the promise of mercy and grace that came from the resurrection and empty tomb. Be grateful this season for the gift of Jesus. Read about Jesus - the Gift of Relationship @ http://bit.ly/pBwc85. More to follow in next blog.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

What Do I Give?

This question goes through my mind every year when my family draws names for our gift exchange. I am not very creative when it comes to gift giving. My practicality urges me to get something useful. Get something that person needs. It must be useful. These messages are part of my blueprint. Not that being practical isn’t beneficial. It does have its merits. Our blueprints can make it difficult to be flexible. I also realize that I am fighting the flesh. The flesh focuses on material things and resists spiritual things. I am becoming more aware of how the message of Jesus has been lost at Christmas. After all, Christmas decorations went on sale before Halloween in my area. I am not asking you to give up or change your holiday traditions and celebrations. I would ask you to shift more of your focus to the greatest gift of all. John 3:16 says that “God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son”. Let’s all try to give the gift that keeps on giving. The gift of love. Love continues to give forgiveness, mercy, grace, compassion, and acceptance. You don’t have to shop for it and you don’t have to stand in line to get it. It’s always available and as Corinthians 13:8 tells us “Love never fails”. Jesus won’t fail you. Read more about this by going to http://bit.ly/pBwc85 and read “Jesus the Gift of Relationship” in my archived articles.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Restin in the Lord

I didn’t blog last week during the week of Thanksgiving because the Sunday before Thanksgiving I had just returned from a parent camp in Wisconsin with Bryan Post. Catching up on four days of snail and e-mail and getting ready for the shortened week took all my energy and focus. I didn’t realize how emotionally and physically drained I was until the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I hadn’t slowed down and taken any time for myself. Even though Thanksgiving was a down day, it still involved travel and being away from my secure home base. I hadn’t taken the time to reflect and process my experience at the parent camp. Although always rewarding, parent camps are emotionally draining as I am challenged by my own issues being triggered. I am constantly telling parents to take care of themselves so they will be emotionally available for their children. I realize how hard this is. Sometimes it’s hard for me and I’m not raising several children with challenging behaviors.

I started this week out feeling refreshed and energized. On Monday I was able to accomplish a lot of tasks. My thinking was clear and I was able to focus and not be distracted by the interruptions that are always a part of my day. I am writing about this to simply re-enforce how important it is for all of us to take care of ourselves. Even Jesus took a break from the crowds to go rest. If it’s good for Jesus, then I believe it is good for us also. A significant part of me taking care of myself is maintaining and enhancing my spiritual connection. This connection is vital to all that I do. It leads, guides and directs me. In my “busyness” I had lost connection with the Lord. Make a commitment this December to give your self the gift of self care and resting in the Lord. To learn more about my testimony and integrating Biblical truths with Bryan Post’s Stress Model, go to http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO and get a copy of my CD “Spiritual Connection”.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Fear & Adoption IV

I received an e-mail from a foster mother who was very distressed. I could feel her desperation and urgency. Amber and her husband John have two foster children, ages three months (Sally) and three years (Rod). Rod will soon be leaving to go back to his biological mother. Amber and John have plans to adopt the three month old, Sally. Without knowing any history of either one of the parents, think about the triggers for fear. Here’s just a few. Grief of Rod leaving. Fear of how his biological mother will treat him. Self doubt that they did mpt do enough for Rod. Being divided between Sally and Rod and how to give both of them what they need. Feeling of failure with Rod because he’s been very dys-regulated due to leaving. Pressure from agencies as to why Rod is struggling. Being criticized because they do not follow “tradition” parenting of time out and consequences. How can we be good enough parents for Sally when we failed with Rod? Emotional distance in the marriage. Will we be trusted with other foster children?

All of these would be normal triggers for the most well adjusted foster family who has done a lot of healing work. This couple is very young in age. They have not been married very long. Both admit that they have unresolved issues of their own. I am encouraged that they are brave enough to take a closer look at themselves. The last line of the e-mail stated that “We are exhausted and want our life back.” How many times have you said that? That thought has crossed my mind and my child is grown and has been on her own for 18 years. I am not writing about this to be judgmental or critical. This couple and all foster/adoptive families face tremendous challenges. They face fear day in and day out. I am writing to raise awareness of these challenges. But most importantly, I am writing to encourage you and others to give these families unconditional support and encouragement. They need our love and non-judgmental support. It would be easy to say, “well, they shouldn’t have adopted if they knew they had issues.” “What’s wrong with them, didn’t they know this would happen when they adopted?” Please don’t go there with anyone who has opened their homes and hearts to a child who needs a family. Love them where they’re at and join them in their journey. To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Fear & Adoption III

I recently spent a few days visiting my “adoptive kids” Trey and Chenoa. Trey is a “love miracle”, crack cocaine baby. Trey was adopted at birth. When he came home he was greeted by Ella. Ella was a very large, cuddly dog. Trey’s mother, sister, and Ella loved him into health. Ella became a big part of Trey’s emotional safety and regulation. Ella tragically died three years later. This was devastating for the entire family. They are still grieving this loss. While I was there, Trey started talking about Ella. He felt safe and regressed emotionally. He has also done this before with his mother. His mother has struggled as to how to help him. Her immediate response (actually it’s a reaction which I’ll explain later) is to get him another dog. When Trey started talking about Ella and crying, she asked me what to do. I told her breathe, relax, and be present. I pulled Trey onto my lap and held him. I validated his grief feelings and gave him a short narrative about losing Ella. “I told him what it was like for him when he first came into this world. It was a scary place and he was sick. Ella was there to comfort him. His mother and Chenoa were there to comfort him.” Not only is Trey grieving what he remembers, but he is also grieving his pre-verbal trauma. This short narrative gave his left brain words to his right brain’s pre-verbal experience. I explained to his mother that her fear of doing this with Trey caused her to try to fix him by buying him a dog. That’s why I called her response a reaction. Her unconscious fear was that she would need to re-visit that time in Trey’s life on an emotional level. That can be hard for any of us to do when our child’s trauma is part of our trauma. Remember fear says “fix it” and love says “allow it to heal”. Read Trey’s complete story. Go to http://bit.ly/pBwc85 and read “Adoption - Love Affair”.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Are You Worthy?

This may seem like a very odd or unusual question. If the answer is no or you doubt this about yourself, it will be a challenge along your parenting journey. November is Nation Adoption Awareness Month. My work focuses on helping families have successful adoptions. The definition of a successful adoption is probably as varied as the number of families with adopted chidlren. An essential ingredient for a successful adoption is how parents feel about themselves. In the DVD - Trauma, Brain & Relationship - Helping Children Heal, Judyth O. Weaver, PhD, Santa Barbara Graduate Institute says that “We need to work with parents who can feel good enough about themselves so that they can allow their children to feel good enough...” Feeling good about yourself is defined by your self worth or self definition. These definitions are a function of shame. Shame is a self defeating belief that we are not worthy, not good enough, and don’t measure up. Shame is a belief of being inherently flawed and therefore undeserving of any success or happiness. I encourage you to take a hard look at yourself and explore shame in your life. Not sure what shame is? Find out by reading October, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter “What Exactly is Shame?”Go to http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Challenge of Adoption - Never Give Up

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. With it comes the mention of the negative aspects of adoption. The story about the parents who returned their adopted children to Russia has re-surfaced. Unfortunately, there are failed adoptions. Most any parent whose child has challenging behaviors has reached the end of their rope. This can also happen with parents whose children may not have these challenging behaviors. Where does a parent find hope? The only true and consistent source of hope comes from Jesus Christ. Jesus never gives up on us. As hard as that may be, that is what is expected of us as parents. I recently heard a teaching sermon on this that really spoke to me. It is by Brian Zahn, Word of Life Church, St. Joseph, MO. Pastor Zahn narrates the story of Peter as told by John in John 21. Jesus never gave up on Peter, even after Peter forsake him. Jesus never gives up on us or our chidlren. We have to draw on our faith to allow Jesus to work in and through us so that we never give up. Humanly impossible? Yes, without Jesus. Jesus prays that Peter’s “faith may not fail” him, Luke 22:32. Parent with courage and strength from the Holy Spirit. To listen to or download the pod cast of Brian Zahn’s sermon, go to http://wolc.com/podcast/ Sunday, October, 30, 2011

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Fear & Adoption II

This real life adoption story comes from a foster mother. I’ll call her Tina and her 3 year old foster child I’ll call Sam. Tina is new at utilizing the Post Stress Model in her foster home. Sam has been with them for approximately six months. He’s made fairly good progress and at one time Tina and her husband were considering adoption. That did not materialize because the biological mother has stepped up to the plate and there are plans for re-infatuation in the next month or so. Sam had been presenting some challenges lately. These challenges occurred because a three month old was brought into the foster home. The addition of a three month old triggered everyone’s unconscious fears. Everyone’s window of tolerance was decreased. Due to this additional stress, Tina began to question what she was doing. In her emotional exhaustion, she wondered if she should continue trying to connect with Sam because he would be leaving in a few weeks anyway. Her rational was that why increase more closeness for him to grieve? I understand how and why she got to this place. Daniel Segal states (paraphrase) that from studies of resilience, if a child has one care giver that he feels securely attached to, then that one secure attachment will increase that’s child resilience through out his or her life (from the DVD Trauma, Brain &Relationship - Helping Children Heal). I shared this with Tina. I also told her that continuing to connect with Sam and increasing their closeness would actually help him grieve. It would help him grieve not only now, but also in the future. Her closeness with him would continue to facilitate healing in his life. If she allowed her fear to interfere in their relationship between now and adoption time, Sam would experience more rejection. Our fears can easily take us out of relationship with our children. Tina became aware of her fear of not being adequate enough for Sam and the new baby. Her fear took her to a place to cause her to withdraw. She then needed a rationalization to justify what she was doing, which she intuitively knew was wrong. I’m not judging her, but pointing this out as a learning situation for all of us. All we have is what is in the moment. I challenge you ask yourself in each situation with your child - “What can I do to improve my relationship with my child at this very moment?”

To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Fear & Adoption I

November is Adoption Awareness Month. This provides me with an opportunity to write about real life adoption situations. I’ll call this adopted 6 year old girl Abby. Her adoptive mother, Gretta, is very much on board with the Post Stress Model. Abby is struggling in school. There are several situations in school that are overwhelming to her sensory and neurological system. Abby is very bright and does not have any external scars. She internalizes her stress reactions. This has made it difficult to advocate for her because the school says that she doesn’t “look” stressed. Since her performance is above average, the school doesn’t understand the problem. Gretta has provided the school with numerous resources that explain neurological processes and adoption trauma. Unfortunately they don’t “get it”. This is a common challenge for many adoptive parents. Abby’s mother will probably make the decision to home school Abby. As I processed this decision with Gretta, there was a sense of desperation in her voice. I helped her slow down and identify what was triggering her stress. They live in a small town and there was the fear of criticism and the “looks” that they already get from the community. Another unconscious fear that was being triggered was Gretta’s fear of not being a good enough teacher at home. Still another unconscious fear was not doing enough or doing the right things to help Abby resolve her adoption issues. These are all fears that are common and normal for most any parent who’s child has challenging behaviors. In this particular case, I always re-direct Gretta back to keeping it simple. Sometimes she complicates things when there is regression. Fear does this, we urge ourselves to fix it. Remember, fear says fix it, and love says allow it to heal. I suggested that Gretta rely on the strategies and interventions that have always worked in the past. Being mindful and present is the bottom line for parenting and connecting in relationship. Sure, there are certain strategies that will help. However, without being present and mindful, the best strategies available will not work. As I was writing this, the words “be still and know that I am God” kept resonating in my spirit. I couldn’t find that exact reference but there are many references in the Bible to the assurances of God. Joel 2:29 (Message) says “And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am Jehovah your God, and there is none else; and my people shall never be put to shame.” Our children, whether adopted or not, need to know that we are always there for them. It is our challenge to be mindful and present for them just as our Heavenly Father is always present for us.

To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

Saturday, October 29, 2011

ADHD - Are You Sure?

I felt compelled to write about this because I was angry at the medical profession the other day. I was working with a recently divorced mother who had come to me for help with her two young children. They had all experienced the trauma from chronic arguments between the parents and the unpredictability of an alcoholic father. The son, who was 9 years old, had been experiencing night terrors and difficulty concentrating in school. She then told me that he had been diagnosed with ADHD and is taking a stimulant drug. This is the preferred diagnosis by several doctors in this area. I wasn’t surprised by this. I was outraged. I kept regulated and didn’t share my outrage with the mother. She didn’t need that. As I explained the stress model, I suggested that her son’s symptoms were more indicative of anxiety and trauma. Then she told me her son was also on a “worry pill”, Zoloft. I explained to her that anxiety and depression symptoms can be miss understood (in my opinion miss diagnosed) as ADHD if the emotional trauma history isn’t included as part of the assessment process. She completely understood this. Now, I’m not a doctor, but I question giving a stressed out child a stimulant. As of this writing, the stimulant has not slowed down this child’s thinking. If medication is going to be used, I believe that the Zoloft is probably the more appropriate medication based on information provided by the mother. I suspect the stimulant exacerbated the some symptoms and then the need for another medication. I am not suggesting that you take your child off a prescribed medication without consulting your doctor. What I am suggesting is talking to your child’s doctor about the diagnosis and how that diagnosis was derived. If your child’s trauma history was not part of the assessment, then advocate for your child that this be considered and get a second or third opinion.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Power of Relationship

I recently talked with a mother who was very distressed about her adult daughter. Her daughter’s drug addition had gotten worse. So had the consequences for her daughter. As we talked, it was apparent that the mother was experiencing secondary trauma as a result of her daughter’s behavior. She came to me because of my experience with addictions and because I’m a Christian counselor. As we talked, she disclosed that her support system kept telling her what to do. They kept giving her advice. She began doubting her sanity because she couldn’t do what she needed to do. That is a desperate place for any of us. I was able to validate her where she was at emotionally. I had her breathe through her trauma feelings and she immediately felt some relief. Finally, some one listened. Isn’t that what we all really what? We usually have the answers to our problems or we will soon get there. I don’t doubt that her support system cared for her. What they lacked was a window of tolerance to be able to handle another’s trauma. I explained to her that we live in an emotion phobic society. It is too hard for others to listen to our pain. So to avoid our own pain, we give advice. This really doesn’t help the person we’re trying to support. It takes us out of relationship with them and they stay stuck. It’s a challenge to all of us to listen to the pain of others. We need to be in a love relationship with them. Find out about “The Power of Relationship”. Go to http://bit.ly/pBwc85

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Divine Order

Divine Order
This week end I went to Kansas City to celebrate my grand children’s birthdays. At the last minute, my daughter was called into work. Initially, that really upset the apple cart for Sunday. Eventually, it all worked out. We all experience “curve balls” in life. When this happens it’s easy to “perceive” that our world is out of control. That perception is fear based. According to Max Lucado, “Fear creates a form of spiritual amnesia. It makes us forget what Jesus has done and how good God is.” Spiritually, there is divine order and harmony in all things. God is always working behind the scenes in our lives. When we are not always aware of what is happening, we get fearful when life throws us a curve ball. We don’t always understand some of the challenges we experience. We can count on God. We can count on love. Both are always there, we just need to step into God’s presence and experience his love.

Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind? To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may find to be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Grace

During challenging times we can become discouraged. Our outlook can become negative and we become fearful. During these times we need to reach outside of ourselves and tap into God’s grace. Grace is God’s gift to us. Where do we find it? It is found all around us. We can experience God’s grace in the touch of a loved one. We can experience it in the laughter of a child. The grace of God can be seen through the gifts of friendship, home, work, and community. John 1:16 “From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.”

Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind? To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may find to be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Patience

I am always told “Don’t pray for patience” because God will give you something to be patient for. I suppose that may be true. I do know that many times patience eludes me. That can be for many reasons. Those reasons can all be traced back to a fear base. Fear is simply a lack of faith. In order to be more patient, I believe that we need to strengthen our faith. Ever try to sit down and be “patient”? That doesn’t work for me. That’s kind of like telling some one to not think of a pink elephant. How is our faith strengthened? Here are a few suggestions. Spend time in prayer and meditation. Read the word of God. Fellowship with fellow believers. Ask for support. Grow in your understanding that all things happen in God’s time. Practice kindness and compassion. And finally, love others where they are at, not where you want them to be. These can all be challenging. To begin this process I always need to take a few deep breaths, relax, and clear my mind.

Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind? To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may find to be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Classroom Maintenance

The school year is underway. Hopefully, students and teachers have settled into their new environments. Unfortunately, this is not true for everyone. I know this from my on going consultations with schools and teachers. Unless a teacher is well versed in the stress model, it is easy for them to slide back into their old paradigm. Learning to use a new strategy takes time. Stress causes some of this regression. I try to keep the focus on keeping it simple. It is too easy for behavior to become the focus. Remember, negative behaviors are a symptom of dys-regulation. Children need adults to help them become regulated. Too many times a child is allowed to become dys-regulated too long and a melt down occurs. Then it takes a lot of time and energy for regulation to take place. Keeping it simple also includes being aware of symptoms of dys-regulation before it becomes out of control of the child. It’s no different that maintenance of a car. I don’t think any one of us would wait to change the oil when we start to hear metal grinding. I believe that maintenance in relationship with a child will reduce dys-regulation and meltdowns. The time invested up-front is always much less that the time it takes to pick up all the emotional pieces. Oxytocin is essential in the regulation process. Teachers can learn to generate oxytocin in their classroom. Find out the importance of oxytocin, go to http://www.fastcompany.com/1784836/paul-zak-guggenheim-lab . Deep breathing, relaxation, and meditation are natural ways to stimulate your oxytocin. Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind. To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Double Standard

This is one of those life experiences that just jump out at me. It is so indicative of parenting, even Godly parenting. The parent, who I’ll call John, was wanting his grandson to apologize to his grandmother for lying. Of course the grandson refused and an hour and a half later finally apologized and he and his grandfather connected. You may ask, Why did it take that long? Why did the grandson have to completely melt down and then become emotionally vulnerable for the grandfather to connect with him. I’m sure there was some unconscious fear being triggered in the grandfather and he probably felt disrespected along with the disrespect toward his wife of being lied to. What he did is not in alignment with the stress model. That’s not what I’m writing about, even though I am challenging what John did from the stress model perspective. I have the utmost respect for John. John is truly a Godly man in every aspect of his life. That’s why I am challenging what he did from the spiritual perspective. John was talking during a Bible study. He expected his grandson to apologize, that is admit his sin immediately. Not only was John putting pressure on his grandson to admit his sin, he was expecting him to confess in front of an audience of two other grandchildren. How many of us admit our sin immediately and willingly? How many of us admit our sin when it’s demanded of us by another person? Of course when we do admit our sin, we gather an audience around so all can hear. I entered the Bible study discussion by saying that as adults we are no different than the grandson. I went on to say that the difference is that as adults we allow ours selves the time, place, and opportunity to admit our sin when we’re ready. Everyone nodded their head in agreement. However, I suspect that the point I was trying to make went right over most of their heads. I had planted one of many seeds regarding parenting in this Bible study. If we are using God as our model parent, we need to do what he does. God is a gentleman. He does not demand anything. We know the rules and when we break them we are convicted internally. God does not point his finger at us and say get the neighborhood together and confess. We throw our adult tantrums and hopefully sooner than later we fess up. You realize that adult tantrums are totally socially acceptable because as adults we can do that. Tantrums are not acceptable for our children. How dare they throw a tantrum and be disobedient children. If John would have started out where he ended up, there would have been 1 & ½ hours less of negative feedback reinforcement. How about going to your child in love and saying “When you lie it hurts my feelings and I get scared for you.”? What about saying “When you lie I don’t feel close to you and I don’t like it when lies interfere in our relationship.”? Let the child’s conscious work on him to help develop internal changes rather than force changes from the outside. Changes forced from the outside don’t have lasting affects on behavior because it happens under stress. God changes us from the inside out. Too many times we try to change others from the outside in. As humans, we get it backwards much of the time. Aren’t you glad God is God and keeps things in order? As parents we need to afford our chidlren the same mercy and grace that our Heavenly Father affords us. Get away from the double standard we have and live by God’s standard. You can read a similar article about the same grandfather by going to Ken’s Articles @ http://bit.ly/pBwc85 and reading Life Lessons. Having difficulty relaxing? Take advantage of my FREE relaxation CD offer @ http://bit.ly/pBDTqY

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Oxytocin in The Fall Air

I took my grandson to the “Fall Classic” on Saturday. This has been an annual event at Arrowhead Stadium for the past ten years between Pitt State and Northwest Missouri State University. It starts out the Friday before with pep rallies, cook out, and of course tailgates the day of the game. The anticipation of the game generates a lot of excitement. I could “feel” it as I left the chiropractor’s office yesterday. The office is in an area where a lot of college students live. They were out in their yards, throwing the football and being college kids. Erik was looking forward to meeting up with first time friends he made last year to throw the football and be kids. When we arrived at the game we were greeted by fellow tail gaiters with smiles and brauts. What does all of the have to do with oxytocin? The activities, anticipation and positive interaction all stimulate oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that increases in response to stress and is associated with good social skills such as empathy and enjoying the company of others. Read the research about this at ironbearfitness.wordpress.com/.../psychologists-discover-oxyt. There are many ways to stimulate your oxytocin. Obviously there isn’t a football classic available when you need an oxytocin boost. Deep breathing, relaxation, and meditation are natural ways to stimulate your oxytocin. Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind. To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Get Your Oxytocin Stimulated

Oxytocin has received a lot of attention lately. Research is finding out more and more about this human stress hormone. There are now products you can use to help stimulate your oxytocin. I’ve heard mixed reviews on these products. If you chose to use these, I would recommend you do some research and be an educated consumer. I do know that there are natural ways to stimulate your oxytocin. Breathing and relaxing are interventions to reduce anxiety and fear. They have been around a long time and are effective. If you need help in developing these skills, I have a solution for you. You can read more about oxytocin by visiting this link. http://www.examiner.com/political-buzz-in-newark/oxytocin-the-love-hormone
I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Be Quick to Forgive

Forgiveness was brought to may attention first thing this past Monday morning. A person I pray with every morning on a conference call prayer line experienced a drive by shooting this past week end. His van was hit by two bullets while at a cook out in a near by neighborhood. He was grateful that no one was hurt. As he was praying, he prayed about forgiving those who did the shooting. As I thought about this, I wasn’t sure I could get to that point as quickly as he did. He took action, knowing what he needed to do whether he waned to or not. Forgiveness takes action on our part. Read more in Love in Action, September, 2011 Newsletter. http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Rejection by Our Children

When our chidlren do not do what we want them to, our unconscious gets triggered. It may be fear that our child will get hurt or that something bad may happen to them. This is a fairly normal, common reaction. I ask parents to explore is how much their child’s disobedience felt like a rejection. Many parents are willing to go to that deeper level. Rejection carriers a tremendous amount of fear with it. That is because fear of rejection is usually a core issue with most people. As much as we don’t want to admit it, it truly is. Wednesday’s blog talked about a mother who medicated her hurt by giving a consequence. Consequences keep us out of relationship with our children. I understand why she did this. She didn’t want to be rejected again. However, she was allowing her fear of what would happen create a negative neurological feed back loop of mutual rejection. We do this so many times. Our fear of what happens creates dys-regulation. What we fear the most happens. As parents, we want our children to love us. We expect that, when in fact much of the time our children are not capable of loving themselves and therefore cannot love us. As parents, we have to feel good enough about ourselves to handle rejection from our children so that we can love them into a place of loving themselves and loving us back. Children experience consequences as a rejection of themselves. This causes them to be dys-regulated and reject us out of their fear of being hurt again. The challenge of parenting is to love yourself enough to be able to handle what ever your child brings to you. Isn’t that the way God does it? We are never rejected by God, even when we don’t or can’t love him. Remember, he loved us first and sought after us. Read my article “The Power of Relationship” for more on this at http://bit.ly/pBwc85.

Rejectio by Our Children

When our chidlren do not do what we want them to, our unconscious gets triggered. It may be fear that our child will get hurt or that something bad may happen to them. This is a fairly normal, common reaction. I ask parents to explore is how much their child’s disobedience felt like a rejection. Many parents are willing to go to that deeper level. Rejection carriers a tremendous amount of fear with it. That is because fear of rejection is usually a core issue with most people. As much as we don’t want to admit it, it truly is. Wednesday’s blog talked about a mother who medicated her hurt by giving a consequence. Consequences keep us out of relationship with our children. I understand why she did this. She didn’t want to be rejected again. However, she was allowing her fear of what would happen create a negative neurological feed back loop of mutual rejection. We do this so many times. Our fear of what happens creates dys-regulation. What we fear the most happens. As parents, we want our children to love us. We expect that, when in fact much of the time our children are not capable of loving themselves and therefore cannot love us. As parents, we have to feel good enough about ourselves to handle rejection from our children so that we can love them into a place of loving themselves and loving us back. Children experience consequences as a rejection of themselves. This causes them to be dys-regulated and reject us out of their fear of being hurt again. The challenge of parenting is to love yourself enough to be able to handle what ever your child brings to you. Isn’t that the way God does it? We are never rejected by God, even when we don’t or can’t love him. Remember, he loved us first and sought after us. Read my article “The Power of Relationship” for more on this at http://bit.ly/pBwc85.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Consequences - a Parent’s Elixir for Fear

I just had to write about this experience. A mother had given her son a consequence of writing three pages front and back for a negative behavior. If you are familiar with the stress model, you know this is not an effective solution to this or any behavior problem. As we were discussing this, I could tell that initially, she was on the defensive side. Her first comment was that she was going to keep the consequence even though she knew it wouldn’t work. I broke out in a little chuckle. So did she. This broke her defensiveness. Normally, I wouldn’t have chuckled at a parent. However, I have a good relationship with this parent. She usually knows where I’m going when I ask her to talk about a parenting situation. She then followed it up with saying that she wanted help to find a solution for the problem. We discussed what she needed to do to get re-connected with her son. Then she could help him resolve the stress that was causing the negative behavior. She was very aware that her and her son had become disconnected in their relationship lately. Bottom line, she was feeling rejected and was medicating her pain by giving her son a consequence to make her feel better. Read my article “Consequences” for more on this at http://bit.ly/pBwc85 Saturday’s blog will talk more about her “rejection”.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Be a Sensory Detective for Your Child at School

Secure environments in the school have more to do with emotional safety verses physical safety. Most children easily feel physically safe in school. Emotional safety may be much more difficult to obtain, especially for children with trauma histories. It is imperative to understand that the brains of children with trauma histories operate differently. They are susceptible to any number of external stimuli that can trigger fear. These triggers can be connected to traumatic events that date as far back as birth. Normal, everyday stimuli in the environment may not be normal for traumatized children. Noises, lights, movements, temperature, smells and transitions can easily be over looked and then your child gets punished for an emotional reaction they have no control over. Remember that stress causes confused and distorted thinking and suppresses short term memory. This interferes with learning and contributes to negative behaviors and attitudes. Be an advocate for your child in the school. More resources available at http://bit.ly/pBwc85

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Hearing From God

I find it interesting how God affirms what we do in our lives. This month I have been writing about forgiveness. October’s Love in Action Newsletter will have more on forgiveness. Sunday was the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. That whole event and how it has affected our country speaks to the need for forgiveness. At church this morning the sermon focused on Philippians 1:1-6. The Apostle Paul talks about thanksgiving and prayer. These are important if w are to ever get to a place of forgiveness. We watched a testimony of the wife of a pilot whose plane crashed into one of the twin towers. Out entire congregation was in tears. She took what was meant for evil and has turned it into good for her life. Find out more about forgiveness in my August, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter http://bit.ly/njHTGd

Saturday, September 10, 2011

test blog

What Does Anger Have to do with Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is an event, not a process. In this process, anger is the starting point. If you don’t believe you’re angry, then how do you identify your anger? I suggest that people pay attention to their bodies. Anger symptoms can be experienced physically. Headaches, sweaty palms, dizziness, getting red-faced, stomachaches and grading your teeth are a few physical symptoms. Emotionally you may feel like running away, feel guilty and resentful, lash out, become anxious, or get depressed. Anger may be expressed through your behavior. Substance-abuse, sarcasm, withdrawal, yelling or screaming, and any form of physical or verbal abuse may be signs of anger. Resentments are part of our anger. We carry resentments around with us for a number of reasons. Living with universal criticism, always being put down, and never being good enough fuel resentments. Being discounted and not having our feelings validated are another source of a resentments. Other sources of resentments are: sibling comparisons, comparison to another relative, any kind of abusive touch, being expected to know how to do things without being taught, not being allowed to make mistakes, and body shame. If you are still struggling with this, I recommend taking additional help. There are many tools and books to help you with this. It is imperative to own and understand your anger and resentments. This is your truth. Otherwise, it will be very difficult to initiate a healthy forgiveness process. Remember this is a process. Become honest with yourself as you can. This may be a painful process. Read complete article on forgiveness at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Workplace Ministry

Labor Day, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country. Obviously, our work and our labor are important to us because that’s how we provide for our families. As Christians, we need to place additional importance on our workplace. I’ve heard it said many times the workplace is the largest untapped mission field for Christians. I believe that myself. We easily spend 40+ hours a week at our jobs or careers. Our office or our factory needs to be looked at as our church. Our employees are our congregation. If you’re a student, then your mission filed is your campus. Now I realize that many of you may work in environments are not conducive to actually speaking the word of God. In some cases, like schools, it may be strictly prohibited. Our actions, attitudes, and behaviors can speak louder than words. We can demonstrate Christian principles and thus spread the word of God by example. Matthew 7:20 says “Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.” There also may be opportunities for you to actually verbally witness to fellow employees. We are outlets for God working in and through us. “Whatever your hand finds to do, do with your might” Ecclesiastes 9:10. Some of you may feel that you’re not ready for this. I totally understand that. You would think, that as a counselor, it would be easy to witness to my clients. After all, I have a captive audience. My platform is already set for “giving advice” and talking to people. I have to admit that for me it wasn’t that easy. When I decided to be a Christian counselor verses a counselor that is a Christian, God told me I wasn’t ready yet. Find out more about my story of being transformed into a Christian counselor in this exclusive interview with Bryan Post. Go to my website http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO and get a copy of my CD, Spiritual Connection.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

More on Forgiveness

I ask people to not shut the door on forgiveness. I’m convinced many people think they just can’t forgive. If this is their reality, then I try to move them closer believing forgiveness is possible. A word search finds 136 references to forgive or forgiveness in the NIV Bible. This many references tells me forgiveness is an important concept. Especially when it appears in red ink. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13. I believe we need the mercy and grace of Jesus to forgive those things that have hurt us the most. By ourselves, we don’t have it in us to forgive at that deep a level.

Find out more about forgiveness in my August, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter http://bit.ly/njHTGd

Friday, September 2, 2011

Forgiveness

I experience two extremes when talking about forgiveness to families. There are those who think they have forgiven but haven’t. Then there are those who know they haven’t forgiven. The latter either believes it is impossible for them to forgive or are not willing to forgive. It is important to understand what forgiveness means. Forgiveness does not say that what happened was okay. Forgiveness does not give the persecutor permission to continue hurting us. Forgiveness does not mean that those involved have to become best friends. Forgiveness is all about the person who has been harmed. Forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves. We make a decision that we do not want to carry resentments around any longer. Resentments rob our emotional buckets of joy and peace. Forgiveness allows us to move past terrible situations. Forgiveness allows us to heal. Many times forgiveness opens the door to restoration of relationships. Carl Menninger (unsure of exact quote) - “ If patients in psychiatric hospitals would believe that their sins could be forgiven, 70% of them could walk out the next day.” United News International KRSS March 6, 2009 - “Forgiveness is God’s gift to us to be able to live in a world that is not fair.” Find out more about forgiveness in my August, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter http://bit.ly/njHTGd

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Be a Good Finder

A recent drive took me through the farmland in my area which was recently hit by a hail storm. The corn crops looked like a field that I would normally see in November after harvest. In situations like these, it is difficult to find a good outcome. We all have storms in our lives which can put us in a spot of not being able to find the good. When we are not able to find the good in situations, we can turn to the word of God to help us. Psalm 138:7-8 offers such encouragement. “7Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me. 8The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, endure forever--forsake not the works of Your own hands.” Strengthen your faith during hard times while God works behind the scenes to produce a good outcome designed specifically for you. Be an encourager who helps others find the good in storms of their lives.

Monday, August 22, 2011

The month of August has gone by very quickly. The last three weeks seem like a blur. You’ve probably heard that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. What I had planned for the month certainly did not happen. As always, God’s plan was better because he is in control. He is the master planner. I am continuing to learn to "let go and let God". As I do this, God’s will is revealed through clear thoughts and new insights. God’s divine timing and order becomes apparent. This month I witnessed God working in the lives of many children. He became real to them and now their lives are changed for eternity. I trust even more in the goodness of God.

The Lord is good to all, and his compassion is over all that he has made. Psalm 145:9

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Learn From Your Children

This week at camp has really brought to light the scripture, Mark 10:15. There are a lot of very young campers here. It’s amazing how they “get it”. Jesus tells us - “I assure you, anyone who doesn’t have their (children) kind of faith will never get into the Kingdom of God.” I have witnessed this demonstrated all day long here at camp. We can learn great lessons from our children. Children are God’s blessings to us to learn from and to cherish. I have truly been blessed.

check out camp pics @ http://www.facebook.com/kenthomcounseling

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Camp begins its third day. Kids are tried, staff getting tired. God is faithful to re-charge us with Holy Spirit energy! Pray that all children will find the truth for their lives.

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

check out camp pics @ http://www.facebook.com/kenthomcounseling

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

As camp begins its second day, I am reminded of this verse. I pray that all I do and all that the staff does with the children this week will be pleasing go God. Pray that all children experience Jesus in a powerful way.

“Those who do what is true come to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that their deeds have been done in God.” John 3:21

check out camp pics @ http://www.facebook.com/kenthomcounseling

Monday, August 8, 2011

As always, God is faithful. God took care of all the details and afforded me time to get ready for camp as well as get all my loose ends tied up. We are packed and laving for children's camp this morning.

Pray that all children will experience Jesus while at camp.

As you go, proclaim the good news. The kingdom of heaven has come near. Matthew 10:7


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Go to: http://www.facebook.com/kenthomcounseling.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Parent Wisdom
Today is a new day. Unless I let go of yesterday, I cannot experience the full measure of God's grace. I cannot connect with my child when I am worrying about tomorrow. I encourage you to take time today and enjoy God peace and joy. Your child will appreciate you for doing this. God will rejoice and you and your child will be blessed.

God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day. Genesis 1:5

If you have not seen my new Facebook page, I'd appreciate you taking a look and your comments.
Go to: http//www.facebook.com/kenthomcounsleing.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Harmony

I look to God when I encounter diversity in my life. His love and understanding enhances our differences. His divine plan orchestrates the differences in to harmony in our lives.

May the God of steadfastness and encouragement grant you to live in harmony with one another, in accordance with Jesus Christ. ~ Romans 15:5

Monday, January 3, 2011

Hope

As I focus on God's presence I become renewed. Each time I am renewed I am given new life. I bring this hope into my relationship with my child.

That your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you. ~Psalm 33:22