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Saturday, October 8, 2011

Double Standard

This is one of those life experiences that just jump out at me. It is so indicative of parenting, even Godly parenting. The parent, who I’ll call John, was wanting his grandson to apologize to his grandmother for lying. Of course the grandson refused and an hour and a half later finally apologized and he and his grandfather connected. You may ask, Why did it take that long? Why did the grandson have to completely melt down and then become emotionally vulnerable for the grandfather to connect with him. I’m sure there was some unconscious fear being triggered in the grandfather and he probably felt disrespected along with the disrespect toward his wife of being lied to. What he did is not in alignment with the stress model. That’s not what I’m writing about, even though I am challenging what John did from the stress model perspective. I have the utmost respect for John. John is truly a Godly man in every aspect of his life. That’s why I am challenging what he did from the spiritual perspective. John was talking during a Bible study. He expected his grandson to apologize, that is admit his sin immediately. Not only was John putting pressure on his grandson to admit his sin, he was expecting him to confess in front of an audience of two other grandchildren. How many of us admit our sin immediately and willingly? How many of us admit our sin when it’s demanded of us by another person? Of course when we do admit our sin, we gather an audience around so all can hear. I entered the Bible study discussion by saying that as adults we are no different than the grandson. I went on to say that the difference is that as adults we allow ours selves the time, place, and opportunity to admit our sin when we’re ready. Everyone nodded their head in agreement. However, I suspect that the point I was trying to make went right over most of their heads. I had planted one of many seeds regarding parenting in this Bible study. If we are using God as our model parent, we need to do what he does. God is a gentleman. He does not demand anything. We know the rules and when we break them we are convicted internally. God does not point his finger at us and say get the neighborhood together and confess. We throw our adult tantrums and hopefully sooner than later we fess up. You realize that adult tantrums are totally socially acceptable because as adults we can do that. Tantrums are not acceptable for our children. How dare they throw a tantrum and be disobedient children. If John would have started out where he ended up, there would have been 1 & ½ hours less of negative feedback reinforcement. How about going to your child in love and saying “When you lie it hurts my feelings and I get scared for you.”? What about saying “When you lie I don’t feel close to you and I don’t like it when lies interfere in our relationship.”? Let the child’s conscious work on him to help develop internal changes rather than force changes from the outside. Changes forced from the outside don’t have lasting affects on behavior because it happens under stress. God changes us from the inside out. Too many times we try to change others from the outside in. As humans, we get it backwards much of the time. Aren’t you glad God is God and keeps things in order? As parents we need to afford our chidlren the same mercy and grace that our Heavenly Father affords us. Get away from the double standard we have and live by God’s standard. You can read a similar article about the same grandfather by going to Ken’s Articles @ and reading Life Lessons. Having difficulty relaxing? Take advantage of my FREE relaxation CD offer @

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