Where Does Shame Come From? Part I

Shame is taught or learned in many ways. The following is not necessarily an exhaustive list. I’m sure there are many more ways that shame develops into self-defeating patterns in our lives. Even if you do not recognize the example as happening in your life, it may occur to you later on as you explore examples that are familiar to you. Shame-based people block out the past because it is so painful. Allow yourself time to explore your past. Universal criticism - It means that nothing I do is good enough. If I get three A’s and one B, then only the B is focused on. When I clean the house, the dust I missed in one corner is focused on. Neglect - You many have known that you are loved, but there was still a sense that something was missing or that something is wrong with you. This can come from lack of physical presence. On an unconscious level it comes from lack of emotional presence even when the physical presence is there. No rules - Children usually celebrate when they have no rules. The unconscious message is that they are not important enough to have rules. When there are no rules, parents do not pay attention to their children. Rules that could not be met - this occurs when rules are unreasonably high or too rigid to be met. The unconscious message is that something is wrong with you. Lack of touch - not to being held is very abusive. When you see your friends being hugged and you aren’t, the only way to understand it is that there must be something wrong with you.

Learn more by reading November 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Shame vs. Guilt

Shame (Webster) is defined as a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute, deep personal humiliation and disgrace, dishonorable conduct. There is a significant difference in the definitions of shame and guilt. Shame and guilt can exist simultaneously. Many times they do which is why they are confused and are not differentiated. Guilt is more concerned with doing something wrong. Making a mistake produces guilt. Guilty people fear punishment. Shame comes when a person is judged because of doing something wrong. Shame carries with it a feeling of not being wanted. Shame based people do not feel worthy. Shame carries with it a judgment that a person doesn’t measure up. This judgment can come from others. Most detrimentally, it comes from the person. A shame based person never gets away from their own self-condemnation. Physical characteristics of shame include: looking away from eye contact, a racing heart when in social situations, blushing, nausea, strong desire to get away, and the inability to speak or think. Shame people fear abandonment. Oh no, there’s that word again. Shame began in the Garden. The account of this can be found in Genesis, Chapter 3. Sin entered in where there had once been perfect love. This produced fear. Adam and Eve hid because they were afraid. They had become separated from God. I believe their fear was fear of abandonment. I believe they hid because they did not feel worthy (shame).

Learn more by reading October 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

What Exactly is Shame?

I usually start out by asking a person to define guilt and then define shame. Write down your definition of guilt. Now, write down your definition of shame. Do this as a learning exercise. The answers I get are varied. They usually have a similar theme. Guilt is usually defined correctly. However, many of the characteristics of shame are included in definitions of guilt. Shame is rarely defined correctly. I don’t have empirical data to support that statement. However, that is my experience over the last 25 years of working with families. The definition of shame usually includes a blending of the two definitions. Sometimes when defining these terms people get confused. Many honestly say they just don’t know the difference. Without out knowing what shame is, it is impossible to deal with shame. Most of the time, people are trying to resolve guilt when in reality they are experiencing shame.

Learn more by reading October 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Fear Buster #9 - Harmony

Stress followed by fear can enter into my life or the life of my loved ones unexpectedly. I turn these challenges into opportunities to bring harmony, peace, and emotional regulation into my environment. I take three deep breaths and connect with God’s calming spirit. I can then bring encouragement and support into any challenge. I am able to offer compassion, understanding, and reassurance. As harmony becomes present, I am able to see the good in others and in their situation. God enables us to connect together in one spirit.

How very good and pleasant it is when kindred live together in unity. - Psalm 133:1

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Fear Buster #8 - Love

I am determined to express love in everything I do. It can be a kind or considerate gesture.
It can be a supportive or thoughtful word. Love can be demonstrated in prayer. I allow my Christ nature to express itself at all times through my behavior, especially when I am parenting. I expect nothing in return, knowing that expressing love is a reward in itself. Every moment of every day is a celebration of love. I know that love drives out fear.

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. - John13:35

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Fear Buster #7 - Healing

There times when I experience emotional and physical pain during the day. These experiences can be fleeting moments or they can linger. I pay attention to my body when it lets me know something is wrong. I take a stand against fear in these situations. In the past, I would allow fear to generate more emotional pain. Fear creates more tension and therefore increases my physical pain. I honor my pain as I turn to God for healing. As I breathe in, I begin to feel relaxed and refreshed. I focus on each part of my body and allow all tension to evaporate. I completely trust in God’s healing power of love. I celebrate feeling alive and free from pain.

He grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, being fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. - Romans 4:20-21

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Fear Buster #6 - Joy

Challenges in life can wear me down. I may become tired spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally. When this happens I lose my gratitude and joy. They are replaced by fear and anxiousness. Life becomes burdensome and heavy. I look to God to replace my joy which is my strength. I put a song of praise on my lips and in my heart. I pray and ask God for help. These simple acts of worship and praise begin to inspire me. My challenges become lighter. Joy replaces my fear.

For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy. -Psalm 92:4

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