10-20-10 Builds Relationships With Your Children

Every parent/child relationship can be strengthened by following my 10-20-10 formula.

Here’s how it works: Parents make special opportunities to be with their child following my 10-20-10 method. Simply put, this means to spend 10 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes in the afternoon, and 10 minutes in the evening with your child. These are special opportunities to be with your child:  just listen without judging, blaming, or shaming. Validate whatever your child is saying and feeling.

Validation does not mean you agree with their opinion. Validation means that you are listening to your child. By doing this, families can start to start to repair their broken relationship. This improved relationship then goes towards influencing the child to make more responsible decisions and demonstrate respect.

Jesus said in Luke 18:16 to "let the children come to me." This is Godly advice for parents. Jesus was a safe place for children. Parents need to strive to be a safe place for their children.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Why Good Kids Hang Out With “Bad” Kids

Is your “good kid” spending time with “bad kids”? I have been asked,"What do I do when my child is hanging out with ‘bad kids’?” numerous times.
 

It’s probably a case of stressed-out adolescents getting together and providing soothing for each other.

The primary aspect involved with this is what’s happening or not happening in the family dynamics. If the child has steadily lost positive relationship with the parent, then the peers are offering the support, acceptance and understanding that the child is not getting from the family.

The family is more than likely generating a negative feedback loop that’s pushing the child away from the family and towards peers. These peers probably have similar issues and/or family dysfunctions as the child. You have to really look at the family dynamics and relationships first to find out why the child is being attracted away from the family to this peer group. The child is going to the peer group to try to get everything he or she should be getting from the family.

To answer this question adequately, there needs to be a conversation with the parents and child. I recommend that parents explore what is contributing to the negative neurological feedback loops within the family. The parents need to identify their negative reactions to their child’s behavior. They need to understand what in their own pasts triggers this negative reaction.

 Understanding this is critical in developing secure attachments with children. Parents need to have an understanding of their own childhood attachments. Their own history of attachments and relationships is the blueprint they follow. Until this blueprint is changed they will continue to perpetuate negative neurological feedback loops within the family.

A family counselor can help you get to the source of the negative feedback loop and begin to rebuild the relationship so that the child is receiving the support, acceptance and understanding he or she needs at home.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Stop Worrying About The External

As a society, we are obsessed with our appearance. From designer sunglasses to the cars we drive, we send messages about who we are to the world around us. Things are only just that: things. They don’t make us feel better emotionally. To do that, we need to stop worrying about what’s on the outside and look at what’s happening inside of us.

Focusing on things, on behavior, on the external leads us to feel shame. Jesus tells us in Matthew 23:36: “Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.”

The stress model tells us to focus on the internal. Focus on the two primary emotions: Love and fear. Every time you make a decision, ask yourself, “Is it fear or love that’s making my choice?”

The world we live in provides many distractions. It is full of fear and challenges. There is much idolatry. There are many material things. There are many, many focuses on the external. By focusing on love, we become open to the see what God has for us. That was easy to do for Adam and Eve in the Garden. That is, until sin entered in. It has been a struggle for man ever since.

God said that David, the Psalmist, was a man after His own heart. There are numerous references in the Bible of David calling out to God. “My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.” Psalm 84:2. I believe this was because David, although a sinner, was able to be honest with God. David came before God to seek forgiveness and healing.

True faith is expressed from and pure heart. This is an internal expression. Our faith is our expression, either verbally or behaviorally, of the love inside us. Otherwise we are walking in fear. I see this as another “spiritual connection” between the stress model and the Bible.

Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Clearing the Way for Love

One of the symptoms of living our lives from a place of fear is feeling a constant sense of disconnect with others. As the poet says, “No man [or woman] is an island,” and this is true. While independence and self-sufficiency are admirable traits, we need to love others and be loved in return.

1 Timothy 1:5 says, “The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith.”

We begin with love, which comes from a pure heart. The challenge is for each of us is to search our hearts. We then need to clear out whatever blocks love. The most obvious of these blocks are usually anger and resentments. Forgiveness is always the key to this. Luke 6:37: “…Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

This is where some of our most base fears and beliefs about ourselves reside. These cause us to experience feelings of abandonment, grief, anger, and/or guilt. It’s at our cellular level and unconscious.

We may know these feelings are there. We may be aware of what’s causing them at a deeper level. If you do know, you’ve made progress. Be mindful of your emotions. Know what triggers them. You can then begin to conquer the fear.

If you don’t know what feelings are blocking love in your heart, I can help you. Together, we can work toward discovering what the issues are and what causes them. We can overcome old patterns and learn how not to ignore when painful feelings are triggered, but also how not to give in to them.

I believe it is important to have God involved in the healing process. That is why I pray daily, Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

God revealed to me what I needed to know at a deeper level. He guided me and provided the support I needed from others and the Holy Spirit to heal. He is there for you, too, to help your “steadfast spirit” return to emotional regulation and freedom from fear.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Facing Abandonment Issues

While at a professional development seminar, abandonment seemed to jump out at me. This may have been due to having children involved with their families. It may have been due to that’s what I needed to take a look at myself. Possibly both.

I became more aware of my own abandonment issues. Developing new emotional relationships can make us feel very vulnerable. This vulnerability can open the door for fear to walk right in and show its ugly face. Even with guidance, it takes time to overcome our own personal demons.

When I came home, my processing was not over. I experienced grief and sorrow. I believe that I was emotionally regressed to a very early age. At least that’s what I felt like on the inside. At times the fear and pain were almost immobilizing.

I asked my prayer warriors for specific prayers. I focused on Joshua 1:5 “…I will never leave you nor forsake you.” A day or so later I felt renewed, refreshed and healed.

By allowing the Holy Spirit and close friends to support and to minister to me, I was able to gain peace of mind and heart.

If you are feeling alone and abandoned, let me support and minister to you.

Photo credit: Sardinelly, freeimages.com

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

How Does Fear Show Itself To You?

Fear manifests itself in a variety of ways: anxiety, anger, sadness. I have had personal experience with fear manifesting itself as resistance.

 

I was scheduled to participate in an event, and was experiencing a great deal of resistance within myself. The resistance comes from the conscious level as well as unconscious level.

Being gone for an extended time takes a lot of preparation time to tie up loose ends. After coming back, it somehow seems like a lot of those loose ends get untied. So, I resist going because I fear what I have to do upon my return.

What will I have to face in myself while I’m away? What unconscious layers of fear and trauma are going to be revealed to me about me? I fear the feelings that are often brought to the surface within myself when I am undergoing professional training and development.

Knowing that at the end of this process I will feel much better does not take away the fear.

1 Timothy 1-11. Love coming from “… a good conscience and a sincere faith.” That is what the stress model is all about. Responding from love, based in good conscience and sincere faith. By focusing on love, we become open to the see what God has for us.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Is There Joy In Your Home?

Photo credit: Benjamin Earwicker

Becoming better parents is a process. It is an interactive mechanism between husband and wife. It also needs to be an interactive mechanism between parent and child. This is how we connect to and help our children.

According to Alan Shore, the attachment relationship is an interactive mechanism for generating very high levels of ‘positive affect’. Secular research says that this positive affect is joy. Hmm.

Nehemiah 8:10: “…for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." There’s another clear picture. Joy is part of the mechanism. We can connect with God to receive His joy.

Without “co-regulation” (the ability to find a balanced state emotionally) between husband and wife, children are at risk. Dys-regulated parents are out of relationship with each other. They are out of relationship with their children.

Mostly importantly, they are out of relationship with God.

Only by connecting with each other and with God can parents bring true joy into their homes.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.