Fear & Adoption III

I recently spent a few days visiting my “adoptive kids” Trey and Chenoa. Trey is a “love miracle”, crack cocaine baby. Trey was adopted at birth. When he came home he was greeted by Ella. Ella was a very large, cuddly dog. Trey’s mother, sister, and Ella loved him into health. Ella became a big part of Trey’s emotional safety and regulation. Ella tragically died three years later. This was devastating for the entire family. They are still grieving this loss. While I was there, Trey started talking about Ella. He felt safe and regressed emotionally. He has also done this before with his mother. His mother has struggled as to how to help him. Her immediate response (actually it’s a reaction which I’ll explain later) is to get him another dog. When Trey started talking about Ella and crying, she asked me what to do. I told her breathe, relax, and be present. I pulled Trey onto my lap and held him. I validated his grief feelings and gave him a short narrative about losing Ella. “I told him what it was like for him when he first came into this world. It was a scary place and he was sick. Ella was there to comfort him. His mother and Chenoa were there to comfort him.” Not only is Trey grieving what he remembers, but he is also grieving his pre-verbal trauma. This short narrative gave his left brain words to his right brain’s pre-verbal experience. I explained to his mother that her fear of doing this with Trey caused her to try to fix him by buying him a dog. That’s why I called her response a reaction. Her unconscious fear was that she would need to re-visit that time in Trey’s life on an emotional level. That can be hard for any of us to do when our child’s trauma is part of our trauma. Remember fear says “fix it” and love says “allow it to heal”. Read Trey’s complete story. Go to http://bit.ly/pBwc85 and read “Adoption - Love Affair”.

Are You Worthy?

This may seem like a very odd or unusual question. If the answer is no or you doubt this about yourself, it will be a challenge along your parenting journey. November is Nation Adoption Awareness Month. My work focuses on helping families have successful adoptions. The definition of a successful adoption is probably as varied as the number of families with adopted chidlren. An essential ingredient for a successful adoption is how parents feel about themselves. In the DVD - Trauma, Brain & Relationship - Helping Children Heal, Judyth O. Weaver, PhD, Santa Barbara Graduate Institute says that “We need to work with parents who can feel good enough about themselves so that they can allow their children to feel good enough...” Feeling good about yourself is defined by your self worth or self definition. These definitions are a function of shame. Shame is a self defeating belief that we are not worthy, not good enough, and don’t measure up. Shame is a belief of being inherently flawed and therefore undeserving of any success or happiness. I encourage you to take a hard look at yourself and explore shame in your life. Not sure what shame is? Find out by reading October, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter “What Exactly is Shame?”Go to http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Challenge of Adoption - Never Give Up

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. With it comes the mention of the negative aspects of adoption. The story about the parents who returned their adopted children to Russia has re-surfaced. Unfortunately, there are failed adoptions. Most any parent whose child has challenging behaviors has reached the end of their rope. This can also happen with parents whose children may not have these challenging behaviors. Where does a parent find hope? The only true and consistent source of hope comes from Jesus Christ. Jesus never gives up on us. As hard as that may be, that is what is expected of us as parents. I recently heard a teaching sermon on this that really spoke to me. It is by Brian Zahn, Word of Life Church, St. Joseph, MO. Pastor Zahn narrates the story of Peter as told by John in John 21. Jesus never gave up on Peter, even after Peter forsake him. Jesus never gives up on us or our chidlren. We have to draw on our faith to allow Jesus to work in and through us so that we never give up. Humanly impossible? Yes, without Jesus. Jesus prays that Peter’s “faith may not fail” him, Luke 22:32. Parent with courage and strength from the Holy Spirit. To listen to or download the pod cast of Brian Zahn’s sermon, go to http://wolc.com/podcast/ Sunday, October, 30, 2011

Fear & Adoption II

This real life adoption story comes from a foster mother. I’ll call her Tina and her 3 year old foster child I’ll call Sam. Tina is new at utilizing the Post Stress Model in her foster home. Sam has been with them for approximately six months. He’s made fairly good progress and at one time Tina and her husband were considering adoption. That did not materialize because the biological mother has stepped up to the plate and there are plans for re-infatuation in the next month or so. Sam had been presenting some challenges lately. These challenges occurred because a three month old was brought into the foster home. The addition of a three month old triggered everyone’s unconscious fears. Everyone’s window of tolerance was decreased. Due to this additional stress, Tina began to question what she was doing. In her emotional exhaustion, she wondered if she should continue trying to connect with Sam because he would be leaving in a few weeks anyway. Her rational was that why increase more closeness for him to grieve? I understand how and why she got to this place. Daniel Segal states (paraphrase) that from studies of resilience, if a child has one care giver that he feels securely attached to, then that one secure attachment will increase that’s child resilience through out his or her life (from the DVD Trauma, Brain &Relationship - Helping Children Heal). I shared this with Tina. I also told her that continuing to connect with Sam and increasing their closeness would actually help him grieve. It would help him grieve not only now, but also in the future. Her closeness with him would continue to facilitate healing in his life. If she allowed her fear to interfere in their relationship between now and adoption time, Sam would experience more rejection. Our fears can easily take us out of relationship with our children. Tina became aware of her fear of not being adequate enough for Sam and the new baby. Her fear took her to a place to cause her to withdraw. She then needed a rationalization to justify what she was doing, which she intuitively knew was wrong. I’m not judging her, but pointing this out as a learning situation for all of us. All we have is what is in the moment. I challenge you ask yourself in each situation with your child - “What can I do to improve my relationship with my child at this very moment?” To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

Fear & Adoption I

November is Adoption Awareness Month. This provides me with an opportunity to write about real life adoption situations. I’ll call this adopted 6 year old girl Abby. Her adoptive mother, Gretta, is very much on board with the Post Stress Model. Abby is struggling in school. There are several situations in school that are overwhelming to her sensory and neurological system. Abby is very bright and does not have any external scars. She internalizes her stress reactions. This has made it difficult to advocate for her because the school says that she doesn’t “look” stressed. Since her performance is above average, the school doesn’t understand the problem. Gretta has provided the school with numerous resources that explain neurological processes and adoption trauma. Unfortunately they don’t “get it”. This is a common challenge for many adoptive parents. Abby’s mother will probably make the decision to home school Abby. As I processed this decision with Gretta, there was a sense of desperation in her voice. I helped her slow down and identify what was triggering her stress. They live in a small town and there was the fear of criticism and the “looks” that they already get from the community. Another unconscious fear that was being triggered was Gretta’s fear of not being a good enough teacher at home. Still another unconscious fear was not doing enough or doing the right things to help Abby resolve her adoption issues. These are all fears that are common and normal for most any parent who’s child has challenging behaviors. In this particular case, I always re-direct Gretta back to keeping it simple. Sometimes she complicates things when there is regression. Fear does this, we urge ourselves to fix it. Remember, fear says fix it, and love says allow it to heal. I suggested that Gretta rely on the strategies and interventions that have always worked in the past. Being mindful and present is the bottom line for parenting and connecting in relationship. Sure, there are certain strategies that will help. However, without being present and mindful, the best strategies available will not work. As I was writing this, the words “be still and know that I am God” kept resonating in my spirit. I couldn’t find that exact reference but there are many references in the Bible to the assurances of God. Joel 2:29 (Message) says “And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am Jehovah your God, and there is none else; and my people shall never be put to shame.” Our children, whether adopted or not, need to know that we are always there for them. It is our challenge to be mindful and present for them just as our Heavenly Father is always present for us. To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

Stress Model

All behaviors arise from a state of stress. In between the behavior and the stress is the presence of a primary emotion. It is through the expression, processing, and the understanding of that emotion that we can calm the stress and diminish the behavior. Bryan Post - Great Behavior Breakdown. My other articles and newsletters on fear are available to you as a free resource. My book, Christian Parent Wisdom is an excellent resource that combines stress model principles with scriptures in a daily meditation format. Buy Christian Parent Wisdom at http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive a FREE 30 minute consult with me when you mention that heard about this FREE offer though this Blog on your order.

Tolerate Crying as a Need for Empathy

Many times crying becomes intolerable to parents. This probably due to them not being allowed to cry or if raised by the Dr. Spock philosophy allowed to cry without being consoled. Crying is a communication that a child has reached a pint far outside his window of tolerance. It’s an indication of being swept away by a swift current and having nothing to hold onto. Change your paradigm from crying being weak to crying being a call for help from a very scared child. My other articles and newsletters on fear are available to you as a free resource. My book, Christian Parent Wisdom is an excellent resource that combines stress model principles with scriptures in a daily meditation format. Buy Christian Parent Wisdom at http://bit.ly/mVZggY and receive a FREE 30 minute consult with me when you mention that heard about this FREE offer though this Blog on your order.