Stop Blaming and Start Loving

More often than not, the 'traditional home' of mom, dad, two children, and a white picket fence doesn’t exist. Many of us are single parents, struggling to do the best we can for our children. And we often fall short because we alone are breadwinner, cook, housekeeper, gardener, chauffeur, referee, teacher, and coach.

Because they are so stressed out, single parents often blame others for their own circumstances.

 Blame originated in the garden. Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the snake. I suppose if we could interview the snake, he would blame someone or something else.

Blame comes from Satan. He is a liar, John 8:44 “ . . . not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”

The lie in blame is that it takes us away from our personal responsibility in any situation. It’s a waste of time and energy.

We are called to be like Christ in all that we do. Our responsibility in parenting is to be in a state of love. From a state of love, we can work towards being better parents and move away from the blaming and judging.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Listen. Just sit quietly as your with your child. Perhaps your child is throwing quite a temper tantrum. Just listen. Try to hear what is really going on. Don’t react and just be in the same space with them while they are having an emotion and see what happens. When we truly open our ears we hear much more than what is being said and we may have more insight as we listen.

Play-in the snow, at home, a game! The number one way kids communicate is through play. Everyone feels less stressed when they are playing. Maybe it’s doing a puzzle or playing a board game. Maybe it’s setting up a video game tournament with everyone in the house…parents included! Perhaps you love playing outside…go sledding or skiing or snow boarding.

Try to be in the moment with your child and our family. Do you wake up thinking of all the things you have to get accomplished-“I have to get this laundry done, I need to clean this room, I have to vacuum, I need to clean the bathrooms”…this list goes on and on. This moment will only be here right now. Be flexible in your expectations of yourself, your loved ones, and your home. It really is more important to spend time with your children and be present with them than for them to have the cleanest room on the block.

Spend extra cuddle or hug time together. Are you the type of person who likes hugs or shies away from hugs? Most kids loved to be hugged…even if they are teenagers! All kids need to know that they are loved and hugging is one of the best ways to do this. Hugging your loved one can send them a message of love and acceptance, of security and safety.

Create a special ritual that’s just something you do in your own family. Maybe you go for a walk every evening or read a special book to each other. Maybe you have a secret handshake or sing a special song. Ask your kids what they want to do. Maybe you call a new family member each day of the week. Perhaps you talk about your dreams or wishes each night before you go to sleep. Rituals give kids structure and structure helps kids feel safe. Once kids feel safe, negative behaviors decrease and positive behaviors bloom

Be of service and teach your child to be a servant. Give to others. This season is about giving to others. One of the best strategies to do this is to teach children how to give to others. Color a picture, make a craft project, donate used toys, or volunteer. Many people are in need of something and sometimes knowing that others are in need helps us put perspective in our own lives.