Ask for help, talk with other parents. Maybe you have some things you need to get done this season…like shopping or cleaning. Call a friend and take turns watching each other’s kids so you can both get done what you need to get completed. You will feel good getting your stuff done as well as helping your friend out. Your children will be excited to have a play date at someone else’s house.

Trust the Power of Relationsip in Adoption

I recently talked with a mother who was very distressed about her adult daughter. Her daughter’s drug addition had gotten worse. So had the consequences for her daughter. As we talked, it was apparent that the mother was experiencing secondary trauma as a result of her daughter’s behavior. She came to me because of my experience with addictions and because I’m a Christian counselor. As we talked, she disclosed that her support system kept telling her what to do. They kept giving her advice. She began doubting her sanity because she couldn’t do what she needed to do. That is a desperate place for any of us. I was able to validate her where she was at emotionally. I had her breathe through her trauma feelings and she immediately felt some relief. Finally, some one listened. Isn’t that what we all really what? We usually have the answers to our problems or we will soon get there. I don’t doubt that her support system cared for her. What they lacked was a window of tolerance to be able to handle another’s trauma. I explained to her that we live in an emotion phobic society. It is too hard for others to listen to our pain. So to avoid our own pain, we give advice. This really doesn’t help the person we’re trying to support. It takes us out of relationship with them and they stay stuck. It’s a challenge to all of us to listen to the pain of others. We need to be in a love relationship with them. Find out about “The Power of Relationship”. Go to http://bit.ly/pBwc85

Fear & Adoption IV

I received an e-mail from a foster mother who was very distressed. I could feel her desperation and urgency. Amber and her husband John have two foster children, ages three months (Sally) and three years (Rod). Rod will soon be leaving to go back to his biological mother. Amber and John have plans to adopt the three month old, Sally. Without knowing any history of either one of the parents, think about the triggers for fear. Here’s just a few. Grief of Rod leaving. Fear of how his biological mother will treat him. Self doubt that they did mpt do enough for Rod. Being divided between Sally and Rod and how to give both of them what they need. Feeling of failure with Rod because he’s been very dys-regulated due to leaving. Pressure from agencies as to why Rod is struggling. Being criticized because they do not follow “tradition” parenting of time out and consequences. How can we be good enough parents for Sally when we failed with Rod? Emotional distance in the marriage. Will we be trusted with other foster children? All of these would be normal triggers for the most well adjusted foster family who has done a lot of healing work. This couple is very young in age. They have not been married very long. Both admit that they have unresolved issues of their own. I am encouraged that they are brave enough to take a closer look at themselves. The last line of the e-mail stated that “We are exhausted and want our life back.” How many times have you said that? That thought has crossed my mind and my child is grown and has been on her own for 18 years. I am not writing about this to be judgmental or critical. This couple and all foster/adoptive families face tremendous challenges. They face fear day in and day out. I am writing to raise awareness of these challenges. But most importantly, I am writing to encourage you and others to give these families unconditional support and encouragement. They need our love and non-judgmental support. It would be easy to say, “well, they shouldn’t have adopted if they knew they had issues.” “What’s wrong with them, didn’t they know this would happen when they adopted?” Please don’t go there with anyone who has opened their homes and hearts to a child who needs a family. Love them where they’re at and join them in their journey. To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIOurself is defined by your self worth or self definition. These definitions are a function of shame. Shame is a self defeating belief that we are not worthy, not good enough, and don’t measure up. Shame is a belief of being inherently flawed and therefore undeserving of any success or happiness. I encourage you to take a hard look at yourself and explore shame in your life. Not sure what shame is? Find out by reading October, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter “What Exactly is Shame?”Go to http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Happy Thanksgiving

Take time, be mindful, and enjoy your family time this week end. Remember to give thanks and praise in and for all things.

Fear & Adoption III

I recently spent a few days visiting my “adoptive kids” Trey and Chenoa. Trey is a “love miracle”, crack cocaine baby. Trey was adopted at birth. When he came home he was greeted by Ella. Ella was a very large, cuddly dog. Trey’s mother, sister, and Ella loved him into health. Ella became a big part of Trey’s emotional safety and regulation. Ella tragically died three years later. This was devastating for the entire family. They are still grieving this loss. While I was there, Trey started talking about Ella. He felt safe and regressed emotionally. He has also done this before with his mother. His mother has struggled as to how to help him. Her immediate response (actually it’s a reaction which I’ll explain later) is to get him another dog. When Trey started talking about Ella and crying, she asked me what to do. I told her breathe, relax, and be present. I pulled Trey onto my lap and held him. I validated his grief feelings and gave him a short narrative about losing Ella. “I told him what it was like for him when he first came into this world. It was a scary place and he was sick. Ella was there to comfort him. His mother and Chenoa were there to comfort him.” Not only is Trey grieving what he remembers, but he is also grieving his pre-verbal trauma. This short narrative gave his left brain words to his right brain’s pre-verbal experience. I explained to his mother that her fear of doing this with Trey caused her to try to fix him by buying him a dog. That’s why I called her response a reaction. Her unconscious fear was that she would need to re-visit that time in Trey’s life on an emotional level. That can be hard for any of us to do when our child’s trauma is part of our trauma. Remember fear says “fix it” and love says “allow it to heal”. Read Trey’s complete story. Go to http://bit.ly/pBwc85 and read “Adoption - Love Affair”.

Are You Worthy?

This may seem like a very odd or unusual question. If the answer is no or you doubt this about yourself, it will be a challenge along your parenting journey. November is Nation Adoption Awareness Month. My work focuses on helping families have successful adoptions. The definition of a successful adoption is probably as varied as the number of families with adopted chidlren. An essential ingredient for a successful adoption is how parents feel about themselves. In the DVD - Trauma, Brain & Relationship - Helping Children Heal, Judyth O. Weaver, PhD, Santa Barbara Graduate Institute says that “We need to work with parents who can feel good enough about themselves so that they can allow their children to feel good enough...” Feeling good about yourself is defined by your self worth or self definition. These definitions are a function of shame. Shame is a self defeating belief that we are not worthy, not good enough, and don’t measure up. Shame is a belief of being inherently flawed and therefore undeserving of any success or happiness. I encourage you to take a hard look at yourself and explore shame in your life. Not sure what shame is? Find out by reading October, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter “What Exactly is Shame?”Go to http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Challenge of Adoption - Never Give Up

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. With it comes the mention of the negative aspects of adoption. The story about the parents who returned their adopted children to Russia has re-surfaced. Unfortunately, there are failed adoptions. Most any parent whose child has challenging behaviors has reached the end of their rope. This can also happen with parents whose children may not have these challenging behaviors. Where does a parent find hope? The only true and consistent source of hope comes from Jesus Christ. Jesus never gives up on us. As hard as that may be, that is what is expected of us as parents. I recently heard a teaching sermon on this that really spoke to me. It is by Brian Zahn, Word of Life Church, St. Joseph, MO. Pastor Zahn narrates the story of Peter as told by John in John 21. Jesus never gave up on Peter, even after Peter forsake him. Jesus never gives up on us or our chidlren. We have to draw on our faith to allow Jesus to work in and through us so that we never give up. Humanly impossible? Yes, without Jesus. Jesus prays that Peter’s “faith may not fail” him, Luke 22:32. Parent with courage and strength from the Holy Spirit. To listen to or download the pod cast of Brian Zahn’s sermon, go to http://wolc.com/podcast/ Sunday, October, 30, 2011