Connecting with our children takes effort and
dedication. Hopefully, you’re already using my 10-20-10 formula to provide
daily validation for your children. (See my blog of Oct. 12, 2014.)
The next step is a Three Phase Intervention. Use
this to help connect with your child. The Three Phase Intervention consists of
reflect, relate, and regulate.
Reflect: How am I
feeling right now? It is not OK for a parent to say to a child "Tell me
how you feel” unless the parent has examined his or her own feelings. When you
connect to yourself, you can communicate in a secure way.
Relate: While you’re breathing say “I feel ________ right now,
and I need to know how you feel.” The child may not know, so give him or her
words for what you sense they are feeling. “You look (angry/sad/scared). Are
you feeling ___________?” Then say “Tell me more, I want to hear about it.”
“Tell me louder.”
Regulate: Remain emotionally regulated (calm, in control of
your own feelings) and accept all the feelings your child can give you. Your
calm, regulated state will help your child become regulated and move into a
positive relationship with you.
Take
time each day to count your blessings with your child. Together, you will
become mindful of all the details God takes care of and you will be blessed
with abundance.
***
Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and
writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post
Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great
Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's
book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication
book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.
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