Is your “good kid” spending time with “bad kids”? I
have been asked,"What do I do when my child is hanging out with ‘bad kids’?”
numerous times.
It’s probably a case of stressed-out adolescents
getting together and providing soothing for each other.
The primary aspect involved with this is what’s
happening or not happening in the family dynamics. If the child has steadily
lost positive relationship with the parent, then the peers are offering the
support, acceptance and understanding that the child is not getting from the
family.
The family is more than likely generating a negative
feedback loop that’s pushing the child away from the family and towards peers.
These peers probably have similar issues and/or family dysfunctions as the
child. You have to really look at the family dynamics and relationships first
to find out why the child is being attracted away from the family to this peer
group. The child is going to the peer group to try to get everything he or she
should be getting from the family.
To answer this question adequately, there needs to
be a conversation with the parents and child. I recommend that parents explore
what is contributing to the negative neurological feedback loops within the
family. The parents need to identify their negative reactions to their child’s
behavior. They need to understand what in their own pasts triggers this
negative reaction.
Understanding
this is critical in developing secure attachments with children. Parents need
to have an understanding of their own childhood attachments. Their own history
of attachments and relationships is the blueprint they follow. Until this
blueprint is changed they will continue to perpetuate negative neurological
feedback loops within the family.
A family counselor can help you get to the source of
the negative feedback loop and begin to rebuild the relationship so that the
child is receiving the support, acceptance and understanding he or she needs at
home.
***
Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and
writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post
Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great
Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's
book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication
book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.
