Healing Relationships through Love in Action: 2014

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Divine Order

The Christmas season brings many things into our lives. Our worldly focus is shifted to the birth of Christ. We are able to see family members who live a distance away. We exchange gifts and focus on giving.

Christmas also brings stress. Our schedules are disrupted. We eat less on the healthy side. Christmas festivities can easily cause over stimulation which leads to dys-regulation.

Divine order, just like love is always there. We need to be mindful of ourselves and our children. We then need to slow down and become attuned to the Holy Spirit. When we breathe and slow down, we are able to seek God that is in us. We begin to realize that God is working through us. Connecting with God gives us the inner peace we need to allow our lives to unfold as has it planned for us. Confusion and challenges disappear.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Loving Behaviors And Loving Words Are Stress Busters

Loving behaviors put into action a very powerful force. That force is God’s love that is in us. We have the ability to release this love when we stay connected to God. Love connects us to others and we then help them release the love of God that is within them.

This allows us to appreciate and respect our family members and friends. We demonstrate forgiveness and grace. We see the good in ourselves and the good in others.

The more love I give, the more my love grows because it is fueled by those around me. Conflict is replaced by a spirit of cooperation.

Ephesians 4:29 “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths…”

What a powerful statement. Through your words, you have the power to change situations. You can choose to provoke anger, discouragement, resentment, and shame.

Breathe, relax, and think before you speak. Allow yourself time to regulate and connect with the love of God so you can chose your words wisely. Chose words of grace, peace, appreciation, and encouragement. If you take time to reflect and become regulated, you allow the Holy Spirit to work in you and the person you may be having a conflict with.

Given time, the person who has upset you will have time to regulate. They will be open to connecting with the love you offer through your words.

Give more love this Christmas season and experience more love in your life. Love is always available. Take a few deep breathes and step into the love that is available. Need help in getting regulated and connecting with God?

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Sunday, December 14, 2014

All We Have Comes From God

Philippians 4:19 says “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” In the previous blog I discussed God is our supply of hope; he is dependable and gave us Jesus.

Furthermore, God gives to us not out of, but according to his riches in glory. This means that we don’t get the leftovers. We sit down and experience the entire banquet. God is on always on time. God always does it the right way. His works are designed specifically for each one of us.

During our journey we experience many wounds, failures, and scars. These are also taken care of through forgiveness and God’s healing power. John 10:10 says “…I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Don’t miss out this Christmas season. Freely accept what God has freely given. If you’re traveling alone along your journey, you’ll miss it. Connect with God and be blessed.

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Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Gift Of Hope That Dwells Within Us

Many parents who come to me for help are at their wits’ end. They have exhausted all of their resources. Nothing they have tried works consistently for any length of time. These parents feel like they’re on a treadmill that takes them through crisis after crisis and things don’t get better.

This is a common story from parents who have adopted or take in foster children.

Parents of children with challenging behaviors don’t need judgments or criticism. They are exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. They need answers, support, and hope.

Using the Post Stress Model and my own experience as a Christian family counselor, I can help guide parents to those answers, support, and hope they are seeking.

Even when using these strategies, parenting children with challenging behaviors can be exhausting. This is when we need to use our spiritual resources. Philippians 4:19 says “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”

God is the source of our hope. He gave us Jesus which is a gift that dwells in us. We do not have to depend on our own abilities or strength. All our needs are met through God’s endless supply. We can always depend on God. God pursued us. God is loyal and faithful even when we are not and don’t deserve it. The gift of Jesus gives us hope as our savior. We then look forward to the promise of mercy and grace that came from the resurrection and empty tomb. Be grateful this season for the gift of Jesus, who is the source of hope within us.

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Sunday, November 30, 2014

Building Faith

The Bible gives us so many stories about on waiting on the Lord, on having faith, and living with grace. God supplies us with the scriptures that we need for any of our life experiences, we just need to turn to Him.

Waiting on the Lord: Isaiah encourages those who wait on the Lord. Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. Isaiah 40:31; 8:17; 25:9. Another one of Isaiah’s encouragements comes in conjunction with God’s promise to give power to the weak. Isaiah 40:29; 40:31.

Faith: By faith, Moses called God’s people to apply the blood of the Passover lamb that they might be delivered from the judgment that was to befall Egypt. Hebrews 11:28 - “by faith he kept the Passover and the sprinkling of blood, lest he who destroyed the firstborn should touch them”. Then, Moses led the people out of Egypt, eventually passing through the Red Sea, by faith.

Grace: Romans 5:17 - “For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.” That’s a mouth full. My little theological mind tells me that God’s grace gives us what we need each day to do what God would have us to do. I have the power to do anything in God’s will. I like the simple version from, Phillipians 4:13 - “I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me.”

As you build the faith within yourself, you will become more aware of how God orchestrates all the details in your life. The process of A to Z has 24 letters in between. We need to keep our eyes on the goal Z, i.e., Heaven. However, we need to be mindful of the letters in between A and Z.

These letters represent us building relationships on our journey. If we miss the letters in between, then we miss out on the blessings. We all do our part in each other’s lives. We are responsible for sowing seeds. We are not responsible for the harvest. Remember, relationship is the key. Keep your oxytocin flowing, connect in relationship, sow seeds of love, and watch God work.

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Sunday, November 23, 2014

All That Happens Is Part Of God’s Plan

“How does God want me to use this experience?”

A few years ago, I had just finished Thanksgiving dinner at my mom’s house. The kids were playing and wrestling around. The adults were positioned in the usual Thanksgiving after-dinner stupor. Sound familiar? I hope and pray that you and your family are blessed as you gather together this year.

When you are this comfortable, it’s hard to remember those times when the lack of faith questions nag at us: “Why this?” or “What now?” or “How?”

When those questions start sounding in your head, the faith-based question that you need to be asking more is, “How does God want me to use this experience?” I reference Roman 8:28, a scripture that I use as one of my spiritual “rocks” when I’m challenged: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Most of the setbacks we encounter are followed by a blessing. Whatever you want to call them, challenges, stumbling blocks, problems, or issues, happen to us for a reason. God may not allow us to see the reason right away, or ever for that matter, but trust in Him that everything that happens to us is part of His plan. When these happen in your life, ask yourself, “How does God want me to use this experience?”

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Sunday, November 16, 2014

Fear Holds Us Back

Throughout our life’s journey, we will learn how fear enters into everything we do, even the things that are good and positive in our lives.

Bruce Perry says that the amygdala codes all new experiences as fear until deemed otherwise. In every walk of life, from school to work to parenting, there are many situations that it takes our system time to deem as “otherwise.”

It’s normal to experience fear in new situations. The challenge is to not live there.

That is hard when you are experiencing situation after situation that triggers fear. Fear challenges our faith. I find myself constantly having to re-affirm my faith and speak faith words into my life.

The fear we experience doesn’t have to be the paralyzing fear we experience from trauma and abuse. Fear can be experienced like a little cloud that is always following us around. It puts a shadow on everything we do. It brings constant doubt to all situations. It makes us question our abilities in everything we attempt. Familiar tasks seem bigger than they are. Everything is more complicated.

Fear shrinks our window of tolerance, our patience levels. Most of all, it is responsible for stealing our joy. Satan takes advantage of any cracks in your faith. He is relentless. John 10:10 – ‘The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy”.

Realize the hold that fear can have on your life. God will love and protect us as we face it head on.

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Sunday, November 9, 2014

Look To Our Heavenly Father For Help

When we are dealing with a broken heart or broken spirit, sometimes our friends, in their humanness, fail us. Our pain is too great for them, but it isn't too great for God. He sees our hurt and He cares and meets us where we are. (Psalm 51:17) God heals problems. (Psalm147:3)

Jesus publically proclaimed in His ministry the following from Isaiah 61:1-2 (NIV): “The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn.”

God provides for us a safe place, a place where the fear of healing will not drive us away. We can receive healing. Psalm 57:1 (NIV): “Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.” He restores my soul. (Psalm 23) God mends broken hearts. God mends broken dreams.

God provides us with counsel for the journey. John 14:1-3 (NIV): "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”

I purposely included a lot of scriptures for your reference. Choose these or others that speak to your heart. Use them to stand on when the journey gets overwhelming. I encourage you to read the entire fifth chapter of Mark. It is very encouraging and will strengthen your faith.

I believe that a significant part of our healing comes from telling our story. Everywhere Jesus went he told a story. His stories were usually parables. He also spoke the word of God. Each scar you have has a story. That story can help others heal. Be brave and tell your story to someone: a pastor, a therapist, or a counselor. Let a professional support and encourage you as you work to mend your broken heart.

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Sunday, November 2, 2014

How Do We Mend A Broken Heart?

Broken hearts comes in many forms. There is disappointment that can crush all hope. There is betrayal, which leaves behind bitterness and resentment. Our plans fail and take away everything that we anticipated. Sin mars our broken world. There is child abuse and neglect, rape, addictions, and assault. Bad things happen to good people.

How do we mend a broken heart?

We have to stay on our healing journey. Even if we are not completely healed, the apostle Paul says to finish the race. (2 Timothy 4:7) We keep our eyes focused on Jesus. The journey is very difficult much of the time, just like the journey of Jesus. We become weary and want out. We don’t want to do this anymore. Our lives are full of desperation.

It was no different for the dead daughter of Jabirus. “Immediately the girl stood up and walked around. At this they were completely astonished," Mark 5:42. It was no different for the woman who had an issue of blood. “Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering,” Matthew 5:29. All hope was gone. Death seemed better than life.

God has made promises to the brokenhearted. God is near those who have broken hearts. (Psalm 34:18) The Holy Spirit (the Comforter) is always with us. Jesus is always with us.

God is with us on our healing journey. He is very aware of our every hurt. He cares about our every disappointment. He cares about our every struggle. Psalm 33:18: “But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.” He is a father who loves and understands.

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Monday, October 27, 2014

Choosing To Heal Is The First Step

Michael W. Smith’s "Healing Rain" is a song that has spoken to me for a number of years. I believe that this is truly an anointed song. Michael repeats over and over again “healing rain is coming down, healing rain is coming down, don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid of healing rain.”

On a cognitive level, why would someone be afraid of healing? Healing is good, right?

I once spoke with an elderly person who had a broken elbow. She had been experiencing significant pain for several months. She went to the hospital to have an operation. After she got there, she could not follow through with it. She told me it was too scary. Her fear of going through the healing process kept her from healing.

This is an example of physical healing. Even with all the medical breakthroughs of pain relief and minimally invasive procedures, her fear paralyzed her.

I believe that the fear of emotional healing is even greater. Emotional healing is a matter of the heart. Broken hearts are difficult to mend because the brokenness goes deep. And for many of us who were unable to escape from a situation or who make the same choices again and again, the hurt has been repeated and has left scars.

The brokenness is also associated with tremendous fear and trauma. As Jesus ascended to Heaven, He promised to send a “counselor” to help us in our time of need. (John 16:7-8) That is the good news.

However, just as my friend was afraid of going through the healing process for her broken elbow, we are often afraid of utilizing the many resources we have available to us to help us heal our broken hearts. Yes, there will be pain, but your pastor or another professional such as myself can help ease your way through the healing process so that you can face life with love and gratitude.

“Healing rain” comes in different forms. God has a plan for your journey. Seek counsel of others of like spirit and like-mindedness. Find the safe place God has for you while here on Earth. God loves you. He will put people in your life to provide a safe environment so you can heal. God cares for us as a father cares for his children.

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Sunday, October 19, 2014

Reflect – Relate - Regulate

Connecting with our children takes effort and dedication. Hopefully, you’re already using my 10-20-10 formula to provide daily validation for your children. (See my blog of Oct. 12, 2014.)

The next step is a Three Phase Intervention. Use this to help connect with your child. The Three Phase Intervention consists of reflect, relate, and regulate.

Reflect: How am I feeling right now? It is not OK for a parent to say to a child "Tell me how you feel” unless the parent has examined his or her own feelings. When you connect to yourself, you can communicate in a secure way.

Relate: While you’re breathing say “I feel ________ right now, and I need to know how you feel.” The child may not know, so give him or her words for what you sense they are feeling. “You look (angry/sad/scared). Are you feeling ___________?” Then say “Tell me more, I want to hear about it.” “Tell me louder.”

Regulate: Remain emotionally regulated (calm, in control of your own feelings) and accept all the feelings your child can give you. Your calm, regulated state will help your child become regulated and move into a positive relationship with you.

Take time each day to count your blessings with your child. Together, you will become mindful of all the details God takes care of and you will be blessed with abundance.

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Sunday, October 12, 2014

10-20-10 Builds Relationships With Your Children

Every parent/child relationship can be strengthened by following my 10-20-10 formula.

Here’s how it works: Parents make special opportunities to be with their child following my 10-20-10 method. Simply put, this means to spend 10 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes in the afternoon, and 10 minutes in the evening with your child. These are special opportunities to be with your child: just listen without judging, blaming, or shaming. Validate whatever your child is saying and feeling.

Validation does not mean you agree with their opinion. Validation means that you are listening to your child. By doing this, families can start to start to repair their broken relationship. This improved relationship then goes towards influencing the child to make more responsible decisions and demonstrate respect.

Jesus said in Luke 18:16 to "let the children come to me." This is Godly advice for parents. Jesus was a safe place for children. Parents need to strive to be a safe place for their children.

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Sunday, October 5, 2014

Why Good Kids Hang Out With “Bad” Kids

Is your “good kid” spending time with “bad kids”? I have been asked,"What do I do when my child is hanging out with ‘bad kids’?” numerous times.

It’s probably a case of stressed-out adolescents getting together and providing soothing for each other.

The primary aspect involved with this is what’s happening or not happening in the family dynamics. If the child has steadily lost positive relationship with the parent, then the peers are offering the support, acceptance and understanding that the child is not getting from the family.

The family is more than likely generating a negative feedback loop that’s pushing the child away from the family and towards peers. These peers probably have similar issues and/or family dysfunctions as the child. You have to really look at the family dynamics and relationships first to find out why the child is being attracted away from the family to this peer group. The child is going to the peer group to try to get everything he or she should be getting from the family.

To answer this question adequately, there needs to be a conversation with the parents and child. I recommend that parents explore what is contributing to the negative neurological feedback loops within the family. The parents need to identify their negative reactions to their child’s behavior. They need to understand what in their own pasts triggers this negative reaction.

Understanding this is critical in developing secure attachments with children. Parents need to have an understanding of their own childhood attachments. Their own history of attachments and relationships is the blueprint they follow. Until this blueprint is changed they will continue to perpetuate negative neurological feedback loops within the family.

A family counselor can help you get to the source of the negative feedback loop and begin to rebuild the relationship so that the child is receiving the support, acceptance and understanding he or she needs at home.

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Sunday, September 28, 2014

Stop Worrying About The External

As a society, we are obsessed with our appearance. From designer sunglasses to the cars we drive, we send messages about who we are to the world around us. Things are only just that: things. They don’t make us feel better emotionally. To do that, we need to stop worrying about what’s on the outside and look at what’s happening inside of us.

Focusing on things, on behavior, on the external leads us to feel shame. Jesus tells us in Matthew 23:36: “Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.”

The stress model tells us to focus on the internal. Focus on the two primary emotions: Love and fear. Every time you make a decision, ask yourself, “Is it fear or love that’s making my choice?”

The world we live in provides many distractions. It is full of fear and challenges. There is much idolatry. There are many material things. There are many, many focuses on the external. By focusing on love, we become open to the see what God has for us. That was easy to do for Adam and Eve in the Garden. That is, until sin entered in. It has been a struggle for man ever since.

God said that David, the Psalmist, was a man after His own heart. There are numerous references in the Bible of David calling out to God. “My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.” Psalm 84:2. I believe this was because David, although a sinner, was able to be honest with God. David came before God to seek forgiveness and healing.

True faith is expressed from and pure heart. This is an internal expression. Our faith is our expression, either verbally or behaviorally, of the love inside us. Otherwise we are walking in fear. I see this as another “spiritual connection” between the stress model and the Bible.

Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

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Sunday, September 21, 2014

Clearing the Way for Love

One of the symptoms of living our lives from a place of fear is feeling a constant sense of disconnect with others. As the poet says, “No man [or woman] is an island,” and this is true. While independence and self-sufficiency are admirable traits, we need to love others and be loved in return.

1 Timothy 1:5 says, “The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith.”

We begin with love, which comes from a pure heart. The challenge is for each of us is to search our hearts. We then need to clear out whatever blocks love. The most obvious of these blocks are usually anger and resentments. Forgiveness is always the key to this. Luke 6:37: “…Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

This is where some of our most base fears and beliefs about ourselves reside. These cause us to experience feelings of abandonment, grief, anger, and/or guilt. It’s at our cellular level and unconscious.

We may know these feelings are there. We may be aware of what’s causing them at a deeper level. If you do know, you’ve made progress. Be mindful of your emotions. Know what triggers them. You can then begin to conquer the fear.

If you don’t know what feelings are blocking love in your heart, I can help you. Together, we can work toward discovering what the issues are and what causes them. We can overcome old patterns and learn how not to ignore when painful feelings are triggered, but also how not to give in to them.

I believe it is important to have God involved in the healing process. That is why I pray daily, Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

God revealed to me what I needed to know at a deeper level. He guided me and provided the support I needed from others and the Holy Spirit to heal. He is there for you, too, to help your “steadfast spirit” return to emotional regulation and freedom from fear.

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Sunday, September 14, 2014

Facing Abandonment Issues

While at a professional development seminar, abandonment seemed to jump out at me. This may have been due to having children involved with their families. It may have been due to that’s what I needed to take a look at myself. Possibly both.

I became more aware of my own abandonment issues. Developing new emotional relationships can make us feel very vulnerable. This vulnerability can open the door for fear to walk right in and show its ugly face. Even with guidance, it takes time to overcome our own personal demons.

When I came home, my processing was not over. I experienced grief and sorrow. I believe that I was emotionally regressed to a very early age. At least that’s what I felt like on the inside. At times the fear and pain were almost immobilizing.

I asked my prayer warriors for specific prayers. I focused on Joshua 1:5 “…I will never leave you nor forsake you.” A day or so later I felt renewed, refreshed and healed.

By allowing the Holy Spirit and close friends to support and to minister to me, I was able to gain peace of mind and heart.

If you are feeling alone and abandoned, let me support and minister to you.

Photo credit: Sardinelly, freeimages.com

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Sunday, September 7, 2014

How Does Fear Show Itself To You?

Fear manifests itself in a variety of ways: anxiety, anger, sadness. I have had personal experience with fear manifesting itself as resistance.

I was scheduled to participate in an event, and was experiencing a great deal of resistance within myself. The resistance comes from the conscious level as well as unconscious level.

Being gone for an extended time takes a lot of preparation time to tie up loose ends. After coming back, it somehow seems like a lot of those loose ends get untied. So, I resist going because I fear what I have to do upon my return.

What will I have to face in myself while I’m away? What unconscious layers of fear and trauma are going to be revealed to me about me? I fear the feelings that are often brought to the surface within myself when I am undergoing professional training and development.

Knowing that at the end of this process I will feel much better does not take away the fear.

1 Timothy 1-11. Love coming from “… a good conscience and a sincere faith.” That is what the stress model is all about. Responding from love, based in good conscience and sincere faith. By focusing on love, we become open to the see what God has for us.

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Sunday, August 31, 2014

Is There Joy In Your Home?

Photo credit: Benjamin Earwicker

Becoming better parents is a process. It is an interactive mechanism between husband and wife. It also needs to be an interactive mechanism between parent and child. This is how we connect to and help our children.

According to Alan Shore, the attachment relationship is an interactive mechanism for generating very high levels of ‘positive affect’. Secular research says that this positive affect is joy. Hmm.

Nehemiah 8:10: “…for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." There’s another clear picture. Joy is part of the mechanism. We can connect with God to receive His joy.

Without “co-regulation” (the ability to find a balanced state emotionally) between husband and wife, children are at risk. Dys-regulated parents are out of relationship with each other. They are out of relationship with their children.

Mostly importantly, they are out of relationship with God.

Only by connecting with each other and with God can parents bring true joy into their homes.

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Sunday, August 24, 2014

Better Husbands and Wives Make Better Parents

Families are deteriorating. The result of this deterioration is chronic problems for children. Children always suffer when they lose their secure base. The secure base in the home is not just dependent on one parent. Unfortunately, that seems to be the case in more and more families.

Ephesians 5:22-33, is a very tough set of passages. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church. The picture that is painted for husbands is very clear. I didn’t say easy, I said clear.

In the same passage, wives are called to submit to and respect their husbands. The word ‘submit’ creates a lot of fear because it is misinterpreted. Do your own research. Submit does not mean less than. I like what the Message Bible says: “Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.” After all, didn’t Christ submit to his father?

The Trinity says that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are one and the same. A discussion of this type can become very complicated. We can easily get sidetracked. Since I’m not a theologian, I’m going to avoid a complicated discussion that could come out of this. I need to keep things simple.

I can easily connect this to the stress model. Loving your wife becomes fearful. Supporting and respecting your husband becomes fearful. Fear takes us out of being in a love state.

Simply put, work toward staying in a state of love. This is the individual responsibility of the husband. This is the individual responsibility of the wife. When this happens, all the other “stuff” goes away. We don’t have to worry about submission or respect. Love just begins to happen.

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Sunday, August 17, 2014

Stop Blaming and Start Loving

More often than not, the 'traditional home' of mom, dad, two children, and a white picket fence doesn’t exist. Many of us are single parents, struggling to do the best we can for our children. And we often fall short because we alone are breadwinner, cook, housekeeper, gardener, chauffeur, referee, teacher, and coach.

Because they are so stressed out, single parents often blame others for their own circumstances.

Blame originated in the garden. Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the snake. I suppose if we could interview the snake, he would blame someone or something else.

Blame comes from Satan. He is a liar, John 8:44 “ . . . not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”

The lie in blame is that it takes us away from our personal responsibility in any situation. It’s a waste of time and energy.

We are called to be like Christ in all that we do. Our responsibility in parenting is to be in a state of love. From a state of love, we can work towards being better parents and move away from the blaming and judging.

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