Modeling Relationships For Your Children

When we speak about mothers modeling healthy relationships for their children, let’s not forget the oxytocin factor.

Mothers are usually better equipped neurologically to express and process feelings. Mothers tend to be better at helping a child develop a strong oxytocin response. All children need this.

Boys and girls both need this to balance their testosterone levels that begin to rise in puberty. If mothers don’t help their daughters with this, the daughters will seek out that regulation from males. Boys need regulation from their mothers to help reduce and manage their aggressive tendencies; otherwise connection with other aggressive males will escalate their aggressive tendencies.

Oxytocin helps maintain emotional regulation. Emotional regulation allows us to connect in relationship with others. Emotional regulation keeps us out of a state of fear. Fear causes irrational and distorted thinking and short-term memory loss. Equipping your child to have a strong oxytocin response as well as learning how to stimulate their own oxytocin is an invaluable gift to give to your child. It is most definitely the gift that keeps on giving.

Most importantly, be a Godly role model. Treat your child with mercy and grace in all situations. Just like your Heavenly Father treats you. Demonstrate forgiveness. Train up your child in the ways of the Lord, Proverbs 22:6. Pray with them, not just for them. Actively engage them in praise and worship for God. Make God the center of your relationship with them. Make God the center of all family relationships. Read my article “Godly Families”.

Check out my website for products and services that will help you along your journey. Remember to parent in love because love never fails.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Your Children Learn From Watching You

Mothers are the role model for their children of interaction with the opposite sex. How mothers interact with their spouses teaches their children how adult relationships are “supposed” to be.

Children learn through modeling. Your behavior teaches your son and your daughter what is acceptable or not acceptable in relationships. Open communication and expression of feelings with your spouse lets your children know it is OK to feel.

Setting healthy boundaries in your relationships will automatically help your child set healthy boundaries in their lives. Boys will learn what it is to respect females. Your son will be more likely to turn to you for matters of the heart when he sees you being able to listen to his dad’s feelings.

Girls will learn to expect respect from males. Girls will learn that they have a right to expect men to listen to them. This promotes positive self esteem with both boys and girls. Simply put, they become comfortable with being either male or female.

Both masculinity and femininity are validated when they are demonstrated through healthy, regulated behaviors. This keeps us away from the “battle of the sexes”.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Give Your Children A Voice

It is important for parents to help their children have a voice.

Many girls grow up with a blueprint of always having to please. This interferes with them setting healthy boundaries. This can be achieved by allowing your daughter to be frustrated or angry. Be in that space with her. Let her know that those feelings are OK. Let her know that you can handle her feelings.

There is a tendency to shut our children down if they express their feelings and it feels disrespectful. You may shut them down if their feelings are too intense for you to handle. The appropriateness of expression can be taught at a later time. The important thing is that they are expressing their feelings.

When you validate their feelings, you are validating who they are. That is another piece of them that then becomes OK. Not validating their feelings tells them that their feelings are not OK. Therefore they are not OK.

Boys may find their voice only through anger. Many times anger is the only feelings boys are allowed to have. Our society tells men that it’s not OK to cry or be vulnerable. When their anger is shut down, boys feel disrespected. Then the message is that anger is not OK. This means that they are not OK.

The anger is suppressed. Suppressed anger builds into rage. Rage can then become out of control. It may go the other direction and contribute to depression. After validating your son’s anger, you can then start to reach the hurt and fear that is under the anger.

Parents need to evaluate their own blueprints around anger. Parents need to understand their own reactions to anger in order to connect with their children when their children are angry. Otherwise the child feels rejected.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Make Mother’s Day Happy

This Mother’s Day, take some time to find out who your child really is. Find out what they are all about. We carry with us way too many stereotypes of girls and boys, and of females and males.

Many of the role models we experience in society are inaccurate. Some stereotypes may come from your own family background and traditions. It is unfair to place these roles or stereotypes on your children.

If you don’t value and honor your child for whom he or she is, then they will not be able to value and honor themselves.

This may be a challenge because of your own past experiences in relationships. You may see someone else in your child because of something in your past. Work through this because that miss-perception about your son or daughter will not allow you to connect in love.

That irrational or erroneous belief about your son or daughter will take you out of relationship with your child.

I hope you have been enjoying a very Happy Mother’s Day.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Influence’s Influence On Parenting

Mother's Day is just around the corner. This is a time of family gatherings to celebrate mothers. Family traditions of cookouts, picnics and dining out are fairly common. It goes without saying: Mothers play a very important role in our lives. Many articles and books have been written about this. There is a tremendous amount of research about being a mother. It has been dissected from every angle and from numerous counseling theories.

Attachment theory says that Infants form attachments to any consistent caregiver who is sensitive and responsive in social interactions with them. The quality of the social engagement is more influential than the amount of time spent.

One of the most important, if not the most important concept to keep in mind is that parenting is all about influence. It is easy to cross that thin boundary into control. Remember, control is a function of fear. Influence is a function of love. Each and every interaction with your child influences what they will do in the future: their relationships, their career decisions, and their spiritual focus. Ask yourself this question, “What am I doing right now to improve my relationship with my child?” Another question to ask your self is - “What am I doing to connect with my child in a mindful manner?”

Both of those are simple questions or concepts. That doesn’t necessarily mean that the answer or response will be easy. There are many challenges in simple concepts. After all, did you really know what you were signing up for when you decided to be a parent? I don’t think any of us had a clue. I know from my personal experience that teaching and writing about these concepts is much easier than implementing them.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Religion vs. Spirituality

On this journey, it is important to separate religion from spirituality.

Religion is the way that you practice your spirituality. It is a structure through which you demonstrate your faith. Religion is made by man. Therefore it is flawed. All too often, our perception of spirituality and faith is damaged by religion. Therefore, it is important to look past religion to what you believe in.

When religious and other human experiences block your spiritual journey, you may need to review the articles on forgiveness. Be courageous and press on to break the bondage of shame and heal spiritually. Belief in Jesus means that there is a power greater than yourself that you can rely on.

Jesus said in John 14:6 NIV “I am the way and the truth and the life.”

That is not to the exclusion of others, but that Jesus is the ultimate power.

That is very scary for shame-based people because of their lack of trust, which is based on their human experiences. It is natural and normal to place human characteristics on God because our human experiences dictate our perceptions.

Reading the word of God will help you understand the new information needed for your paradigm shift.

The Bible is full of God’s promises and words of encouragement.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Shift Paradigm, Release Shame

For you to begin releasing the bondage of shame, a paradigm shift is necessary.

The first step in shifting your paradigm begins when you are able to see the world as benevolent, and yourself as worthy. Shame-based individuals do not see their world as being benevolent because of their experiences, which have taught them shame in their life. Seeing the world as benevolent may seem like an overwhelming task, considering the condition of our world today. But if you don’t see the world as benevolent, everyone is your enemy which makes it very hard to get anything good out of this world. This perspective keeps you in a state of hypervigilance and fear.

The second step in this paradigm shift that shame-based people need to take is to start taking risks. When you take risks, you may lose something of value. What shame-based people fear losing the most is what little self-esteem they possess. This part of the paradigm shift involves separating yourself, and who you are, from your experience. For example, a failing grade does not mean you are a failure. An offer not being accepted is not a rejection of you as a person. It is simply a rejection of your offer. Shame-based people achieve their self-worth from performance, and separating self-worth from performance can be a difficult task.

The third step in this paradigm shift is distinguishing between risks that have potential positive outcomes, and risks that are a setup for failure. Initially, you need to begin by not repeating previous failures, which will help you to identify patterns of failure.

Taking these steps will help you to begin making the paradigm shift.

It will not be easy, but with prayer and belief you will be able to achieve your goal.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.