Is There Joy In Your Home?

Photo credit: Benjamin Earwicker

Becoming better parents is a process. It is an interactive mechanism between husband and wife. It also needs to be an interactive mechanism between parent and child. This is how we connect to and help our children.

According to Alan Shore, the attachment relationship is an interactive mechanism for generating very high levels of ‘positive affect’. Secular research says that this positive affect is joy. Hmm.

Nehemiah 8:10: “…for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." There’s another clear picture. Joy is part of the mechanism. We can connect with God to receive His joy.

Without “co-regulation” (the ability to find a balanced state emotionally) between husband and wife, children are at risk. Dys-regulated parents are out of relationship with each other. They are out of relationship with their children.

Mostly importantly, they are out of relationship with God.

Only by connecting with each other and with God can parents bring true joy into their homes.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Better Husbands and Wives Make Better Parents

Families are deteriorating. The result of this deterioration is chronic problems for children. Children always suffer when they lose their secure base. The secure base in the home is not just dependent on one parent. Unfortunately, that seems to be the case in more and more families.

Ephesians 5:22-33, is a very tough set of passages. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church. The picture that is painted for husbands is very clear. I didn’t say easy, I said clear.

In the same passage, wives are called to submit to and respect their husbands. The word ‘submit’ creates a lot of fear because it is misinterpreted. Do your own research. Submit does not mean less than. I like what the Message Bible says: “Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.” After all, didn’t Christ submit to his father?

The Trinity says that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are one and the same. A discussion of this type can become very complicated. We can easily get sidetracked. Since I’m not a theologian, I’m going to avoid a complicated discussion that could come out of this. I need to keep things simple.

I can easily connect this to the stress model. Loving your wife becomes fearful. Supporting and respecting your husband becomes fearful. Fear takes us out of being in a love state.

Simply put, work toward staying in a state of love. This is the individual responsibility of the husband. This is the individual responsibility of the wife. When this happens, all the other “stuff” goes away. We don’t have to worry about submission or respect. Love just begins to happen.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken. 

Stop Blaming and Start Loving

More often than not, the 'traditional home' of mom, dad, two children, and a white picket fence doesn’t exist. Many of us are single parents, struggling to do the best we can for our children. And we often fall short because we alone are breadwinner, cook, housekeeper, gardener, chauffeur, referee, teacher, and coach.

Because they are so stressed out, single parents often blame others for their own circumstances.

 Blame originated in the garden. Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the snake. I suppose if we could interview the snake, he would blame someone or something else.

Blame comes from Satan. He is a liar, John 8:44 “ . . . not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”

The lie in blame is that it takes us away from our personal responsibility in any situation. It’s a waste of time and energy.

We are called to be like Christ in all that we do. Our responsibility in parenting is to be in a state of love. From a state of love, we can work towards being better parents and move away from the blaming and judging.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Listen. Just sit quietly as your with your child. Perhaps your child is throwing quite a temper tantrum. Just listen. Try to hear what is really going on. Don’t react and just be in the same space with them while they are having an emotion and see what happens. When we truly open our ears we hear much more than what is being said and we may have more insight as we listen.

Play-in the snow, at home, a game! The number one way kids communicate is through play. Everyone feels less stressed when they are playing. Maybe it’s doing a puzzle or playing a board game. Maybe it’s setting up a video game tournament with everyone in the house…parents included! Perhaps you love playing outside…go sledding or skiing or snow boarding.

Try to be in the moment with your child and our family. Do you wake up thinking of all the things you have to get accomplished-“I have to get this laundry done, I need to clean this room, I have to vacuum, I need to clean the bathrooms”…this list goes on and on. This moment will only be here right now. Be flexible in your expectations of yourself, your loved ones, and your home. It really is more important to spend time with your children and be present with them than for them to have the cleanest room on the block.

Spend extra cuddle or hug time together. Are you the type of person who likes hugs or shies away from hugs? Most kids loved to be hugged…even if they are teenagers! All kids need to know that they are loved and hugging is one of the best ways to do this. Hugging your loved one can send them a message of love and acceptance, of security and safety.