Being a Father - Tip #1

Use the power of your relationship to be influential and not controlling.

Bruce Perry says that the heart of humanity lies in our relationships. Everything we learn, we learn from relationship. We are neurobiologically designed to be in community and relationship. We are designed to respond, to reach out, and to seek other relationships. Without relationships we are physiologically at risk. If we are not in relationship we die. God’s model is that He loves us first so we can become loving. Then as parents we must love our children so they can become loveable and obedient. It is imperative that we focus on our vertical relationship with God so we can then have a similar horizontal relationship with our children.

Find out more, read “The Power of Relationship” @ Ken Thom Articles

Being a Mother Tip #9 - Understand the differencebetween punishment and discipline.

A child’s obedience is afunction of the co-regulation between the parent and with the child. Co-regulation creates a secure base. A secure base influences obedience. A secure base creates positive neurologicalfeedback loops and positive conditioning. Lack of co-regulation between parents causes children to react out offear. So parents, if you’redys-regulated, then don’t expect your children to be obedient. When you are dys-regulated, God doesn’t getupset with you. He doesn’t put you intime out. He is there for you regardlessof your state of regulation. This is themodel you need to follow with your children. Unfortunately there has been a blurring of definitions and lack ofunderstanding of expectations. Punishment is used and is expected to get the results ofdiscipline. Isn’t it more sociablyacceptable to say that you’re “disciplining” your child rather than punishinghim? I have found that most parentsbelieve punishment and discipline are synonymous. Also, parents don’t truly understand what anatural consequence means.

Read more on punishment anddiscipline in my April & May 2011 Love inAction Newsletters.

Being a Mother Tip #8 - Take care of yourself. 

    
     Focus on transforming yourself into the parent God wants you to be.  As a parent, you have to feel good enough about yourself to be emotionally available to your child.  Your window of tolerance needs to be able to handle any emotion their child brings to them.  You need to be a secure attachment figure for your child.  God calls us to be in a state of love for our children.  You are the best and most likely agent of change for your child.  To do this you must be in the process of resolving your own issues.  I believe this calls for a heart change.
 

Read January 2011 Love in Action Newsletter “Being Transformed” for additional support.

Being a Mother Tip #7 - Be present and mindful.

     Challenges make it difficult to be present and mindful with your child.  Fear causes us to regret the past and obsess about the future.  Ever done that?  All of us do.  As human beings we live our lives largely in memory and imagination. We are either remembering the past or imagining the future.  Physically our bodies are present, but our minds are elsewhere.  Take a few deep breathes and focus.  Try to be fully present in the moment.  Try to be fully mindful.  This can be very difficult to do.  It has to take place a micro second at a time.  That is why the skill of emotional regulation and clearing your mind is so important to develop.   Dan Siegel explains the neuro-psychology aspect @ http://bit.ly/skvVSt.  This is an important concept to understand.  It is just as important to understand the spiritual aspect of the process of connecting in relationship.  When two or more are gathered a spirit is created.  This is found in Matthew 18:20.  “For where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am with them.”  I don’t fully understand it. This is a mysterious thing that we probably don’t fully understand.  However, the phenomenon of a spirit created by people who are present is a powerful thing.

 

Read more about the spiritual aspect of being present by reading “The Power of Presence - Being Mindful” @ Ken Thom’s Articles.

Being a Mother Tip #6 - Increase quality time with yourchild.

I recommend that you start tomake special opportunities to be with your child by learning the 10-20-10strategy on a regular basis. Here’s aformula to follow. You spend 10 minutesin the morning, 20 minutes in the afternoon, and 10 minutes in the evening withyour child. These are specialopportunities to be with your child. These opportunities are to just listen without judging, blaming, orshaming. Validate whatever your child issaying and feeling. Validation does notmean you agree with their opinion. Validation means that you are listening to your child. By doing this families can begin to repair theirbroken relationship. Repairing yourrelationship with your child helps you influence your child to start makingmore responsible decisions and demonstrating respect.

Incorporate daily scripturebased meditations during your 10-20-10 time. Get “Christian Parent Wisdom” @ Ken ThomProducts

Being a Mother Tip #5 - Reverse negative neurological feedback loops.

     
You can reverse negative feedback loops by interrupting your child’s stress cycle.  This will help you connect with your child. Begin by exploring what is contributing to the negative neurological feedback loops within the family.  You need to identify your negative reactions to your child’s behavior.  Begin to understand what in your past triggers this negative reaction.  Understanding this is critical in developing secure attachments with children.  You need to have an understanding of your own childhood attachments.  Your own history of attachments and relationships is the blueprint you follow.  Until this blueprint is changed you will continue to perpetuate negative neurological feedback loops within the family. 

Looking for more information?  Get "The Great Behavior Breakdown" by Bryan Post

Being a Mother Tip #4 - Be slow to anger and quick to listen and to forgive

    James 1:19-21tells us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” and ready to forgive (my paraphrase of verse 21).  I recently found a new perspective for forgiveness.  The Daily Word (paraphrased), April 18, 2012 thought for the day:  “I give the gift of forgiveness for the blessing of peace of mind.”  Forgive is the combination of the words give and for.  Ask yourself what you would be willing to give for peace of mind.  Would you be willing to give up pain and anger to enjoy a better life?  How about giving up judgment or criticism of your past for freedom to live in loving ways?  This gives forgiveness a whole new powerful perspective.

Be kind to one another . . ., forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:32

To find our more on forgiveness, read my August & September 2011 Love in Action Newsletters