Fear & Adoption II

This real life adoption story comes from a foster mother. I’ll call her Tina and her 3 year old foster child I’ll call Sam. Tina is new at utilizing the Post Stress Model in her foster home. Sam has been with them for approximately six months. He’s made fairly good progress and at one time Tina and her husband were considering adoption. That did not materialize because the biological mother has stepped up to the plate and there are plans for re-infatuation in the next month or so. Sam had been presenting some challenges lately. These challenges occurred because a three month old was brought into the foster home. The addition of a three month old triggered everyone’s unconscious fears. Everyone’s window of tolerance was decreased. Due to this additional stress, Tina began to question what she was doing. In her emotional exhaustion, she wondered if she should continue trying to connect with Sam because he would be leaving in a few weeks anyway. Her rational was that why increase more closeness for him to grieve? I understand how and why she got to this place. Daniel Segal states (paraphrase) that from studies of resilience, if a child has one care giver that he feels securely attached to, then that one secure attachment will increase that’s child resilience through out his or her life (from the DVD Trauma, Brain &Relationship - Helping Children Heal). I shared this with Tina. I also told her that continuing to connect with Sam and increasing their closeness would actually help him grieve. It would help him grieve not only now, but also in the future. Her closeness with him would continue to facilitate healing in his life. If she allowed her fear to interfere in their relationship between now and adoption time, Sam would experience more rejection. Our fears can easily take us out of relationship with our children. Tina became aware of her fear of not being adequate enough for Sam and the new baby. Her fear took her to a place to cause her to withdraw. She then needed a rationalization to justify what she was doing, which she intuitively knew was wrong. I’m not judging her, but pointing this out as a learning situation for all of us. All we have is what is in the moment. I challenge you ask yourself in each situation with your child - “What can I do to improve my relationship with my child at this very moment?”

To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

Fear & Adoption I

November is Adoption Awareness Month. This provides me with an opportunity to write about real life adoption situations. I’ll call this adopted 6 year old girl Abby. Her adoptive mother, Gretta, is very much on board with the Post Stress Model. Abby is struggling in school. There are several situations in school that are overwhelming to her sensory and neurological system. Abby is very bright and does not have any external scars. She internalizes her stress reactions. This has made it difficult to advocate for her because the school says that she doesn’t “look” stressed. Since her performance is above average, the school doesn’t understand the problem. Gretta has provided the school with numerous resources that explain neurological processes and adoption trauma. Unfortunately they don’t “get it”. This is a common challenge for many adoptive parents. Abby’s mother will probably make the decision to home school Abby. As I processed this decision with Gretta, there was a sense of desperation in her voice. I helped her slow down and identify what was triggering her stress. They live in a small town and there was the fear of criticism and the “looks” that they already get from the community. Another unconscious fear that was being triggered was Gretta’s fear of not being a good enough teacher at home. Still another unconscious fear was not doing enough or doing the right things to help Abby resolve her adoption issues. These are all fears that are common and normal for most any parent who’s child has challenging behaviors. In this particular case, I always re-direct Gretta back to keeping it simple. Sometimes she complicates things when there is regression. Fear does this, we urge ourselves to fix it. Remember, fear says fix it, and love says allow it to heal. I suggested that Gretta rely on the strategies and interventions that have always worked in the past. Being mindful and present is the bottom line for parenting and connecting in relationship. Sure, there are certain strategies that will help. However, without being present and mindful, the best strategies available will not work. As I was writing this, the words “be still and know that I am God” kept resonating in my spirit. I couldn’t find that exact reference but there are many references in the Bible to the assurances of God. Joel 2:29 (Message) says “And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am Jehovah your God, and there is none else; and my people shall never be put to shame.” Our children, whether adopted or not, need to know that we are always there for them. It is our challenge to be mindful and present for them just as our Heavenly Father is always present for us.

To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

ADHD - Are You Sure?

I felt compelled to write about this because I was angry at the medical profession the other day. I was working with a recently divorced mother who had come to me for help with her two young children. They had all experienced the trauma from chronic arguments between the parents and the unpredictability of an alcoholic father. The son, who was 9 years old, had been experiencing night terrors and difficulty concentrating in school. She then told me that he had been diagnosed with ADHD and is taking a stimulant drug. This is the preferred diagnosis by several doctors in this area. I wasn’t surprised by this. I was outraged. I kept regulated and didn’t share my outrage with the mother. She didn’t need that. As I explained the stress model, I suggested that her son’s symptoms were more indicative of anxiety and trauma. Then she told me her son was also on a “worry pill”, Zoloft. I explained to her that anxiety and depression symptoms can be miss understood (in my opinion miss diagnosed) as ADHD if the emotional trauma history isn’t included as part of the assessment process. She completely understood this. Now, I’m not a doctor, but I question giving a stressed out child a stimulant. As of this writing, the stimulant has not slowed down this child’s thinking. If medication is going to be used, I believe that the Zoloft is probably the more appropriate medication based on information provided by the mother. I suspect the stimulant exacerbated the some symptoms and then the need for another medication. I am not suggesting that you take your child off a prescribed medication without consulting your doctor. What I am suggesting is talking to your child’s doctor about the diagnosis and how that diagnosis was derived. If your child’s trauma history was not part of the assessment, then advocate for your child that this be considered and get a second or third opinion.

Power of Relationship

I recently talked with a mother who was very distressed about her adult daughter. Her daughter’s drug addition had gotten worse. So had the consequences for her daughter. As we talked, it was apparent that the mother was experiencing secondary trauma as a result of her daughter’s behavior. She came to me because of my experience with addictions and because I’m a Christian counselor. As we talked, she disclosed that her support system kept telling her what to do. They kept giving her advice. She began doubting her sanity because she couldn’t do what she needed to do. That is a desperate place for any of us. I was able to validate her where she was at emotionally. I had her breathe through her trauma feelings and she immediately felt some relief. Finally, some one listened. Isn’t that what we all really what? We usually have the answers to our problems or we will soon get there. I don’t doubt that her support system cared for her. What they lacked was a window of tolerance to be able to handle another’s trauma. I explained to her that we live in an emotion phobic society. It is too hard for others to listen to our pain. So to avoid our own pain, we give advice. This really doesn’t help the person we’re trying to support. It takes us out of relationship with them and they stay stuck. It’s a challenge to all of us to listen to the pain of others. We need to be in a love relationship with them. Find out about “The Power of Relationship”. Go to http://bit.ly/pBwc85

Divine Order

Divine Order
This week end I went to Kansas City to celebrate my grand children’s birthdays. At the last minute, my daughter was called into work. Initially, that really upset the apple cart for Sunday. Eventually, it all worked out. We all experience “curve balls” in life. When this happens it’s easy to “perceive” that our world is out of control. That perception is fear based. According to Max Lucado, “Fear creates a form of spiritual amnesia. It makes us forget what Jesus has done and how good God is.” Spiritually, there is divine order and harmony in all things. God is always working behind the scenes in our lives. When we are not always aware of what is happening, we get fearful when life throws us a curve ball. We don’t always understand some of the challenges we experience. We can count on God. We can count on love. Both are always there, we just need to step into God’s presence and experience his love.

Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind? To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may find to be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Grace

During challenging times we can become discouraged. Our outlook can become negative and we become fearful. During these times we need to reach outside of ourselves and tap into God’s grace. Grace is God’s gift to us. Where do we find it? It is found all around us. We can experience God’s grace in the touch of a loved one. We can experience it in the laughter of a child. The grace of God can be seen through the gifts of friendship, home, work, and community. John 1:16 “From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.”

Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind? To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may find to be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Patience

I am always told “Don’t pray for patience” because God will give you something to be patient for. I suppose that may be true. I do know that many times patience eludes me. That can be for many reasons. Those reasons can all be traced back to a fear base. Fear is simply a lack of faith. In order to be more patient, I believe that we need to strengthen our faith. Ever try to sit down and be “patient”? That doesn’t work for me. That’s kind of like telling some one to not think of a pink elephant. How is our faith strengthened? Here are a few suggestions. Spend time in prayer and meditation. Read the word of God. Fellowship with fellow believers. Ask for support. Grow in your understanding that all things happen in God’s time. Practice kindness and compassion. And finally, love others where they are at, not where you want them to be. These can all be challenging. To begin this process I always need to take a few deep breaths, relax, and clear my mind.

Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind? To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may find to be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.