Why Do We Feel Shame

Shame is taught or learned in many ways. I have compiled an extensive list, but I’m sure that there are many more ways that shame develops into self-defeating patterns in our lives. Even if you do not recognize the example as happening in your life, you may realize it later as you explore examples that are familiar to you.

Shame-based people block out the past because it is so painful, but you must allow yourself time to explore your past.

Universal Criticism is the belief that nothing you do is good enough. If you get three A’s and one B, you only focus on the negative of the B as opposed to the positive of the A’s. You clean the house, and then find one corner that still has dust. You find yourself fixating on that small area as opposed to appreciating the rest of the clean house.

Neglect is knowing that you are loved, but still having a sense that something is missing or that something is wrong with you. This can be the result of a lack of physical presence. You can also experience this feeling on an unconscious level with a lack of emotional presence even if there is a physical presence.

Children usually celebrate if there are No Rules, but the unconscious message is that they are not important enough to have rules and boundaries. When there are not any rules, parents do not pay attention to their children.

The exact opposite is Rules that cannot be met. This occurs if Rules are unreasonably high or too rigid to be achieved. The unconscious message is that there is something wrong with you because you cannot follow the Rules.

Lack of Touch and not being held is very abusive. When you see your friends being hugged, and you are not then you perceive it as there must be something wrong with you.

Physical Abuse is touch or sexualized behavior that is hurtful and given without compassion. The message again is that there must be something wrong with you. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have happened.

Responsibility for other people’s behavior, something that you have no control over. Examples include a parent’s drinking problem, siblings destroying things, and conflicts in the family.

Blame is the result of feeling responsible for other people’s behavior. You feel that it is your fault, and you become a scapegoat.

Unrealistic Expectations is being expected to know how to do something despite never being taught or given the opportunity to learn. You are made to feel that because you make a mistake that you are a mistake. That because you do not intuitively or instinctively know how to do something that there must be something wrong with you.

Sibling Comparisons include being smarter, more athletic, prettier, and more responsible.

Religion told you, or you defined yourself as evil or a sinner, and that you need penance to be good. This causes you to be shame-based rather than grace-based.

You must allow yourself time to explore your past.

It will not be easy and can be very painful, but it is necessary.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Patience Is Necessary While Transforming

We have been learning that if we are to make a heart change, we must be willing to not only serve others but also to accept all situations, circumstances, and people exactly where they are at.

To accomplish this, I encourage and challenge you to give up using your willpower. By simply walking the walk, you put yourself in the place where you can be changed.

Unfortunately, we are human and it is in our nature to try to make things happen. We are impatient, controlling, and prideful. These characteristics are all about us. A minister friend of mine calls this “Meism” and it is not about God and others.

If you are truly going to experience a heart change then you have to allow the Holy Spirit to work in your life. Allow the Holy Spirit to gradually transform you into the likeness of Jesus. Remember, your salvation is not just an event. It is a work of transformation sustained by God’s grace. Changing behavior without being transformed by the Holy Spirit is a shallow and futile human effort.

I can guarantee that this will not be easy, and you will have to face things in your past that are painful. You will need to grieve your losses, and you will need to cry out for God’s mercy and grace to help you through the hard times. I am a witness and a living testimony that this works.

I challenge you to become all you can be for your children. Guide, lead, and direct them in the ways of the Lord. Your children are just temporary gifts for you to take care of, and you will be blessed beyond measure for loving God’s children.

When we do this, God is pleased. When we do this, others benefit.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Love, Tolerance Are Necessary

We have been speaking about making a heart change, and how the change is not made for us.

If you search BibleGateway.com, you will find “one another” used 190 times, and “each other” used 981 times. What this means is that we are called and commanded to serve others. This cannot be done without a heart change.

Other than doing random acts of kindness, service to others involves relationships, which come in a variety of forms and at different levels.

The secular world identifies that joy is involved in the attachment/bonding process.

 Nehemiah 8:10 tell us “...This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”

There is strength in relationships, and through sacrifice and heart change we develop healthy relationships. I believe that joy is the overflow of healthy relationships.

Even in the best of relationships there are going to be bumps in the road. We need to expand our windows of tolerance to endure these bumps. Our capacity for love needs to accept all situations, circumstances, and people exactly where they are at.

What a Challenge!

But we must remember that to have a heart change and serve others takes sacrifice. When we do this, God is pleased. When we do this, others benefit.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Change Is For God, Not Ourselves

We have determined that in order to help their children, parents must first make a heart change of their own.

Making the decision to make a heart change can seem very simple on the surface.

And, I believe that it is simple, but paradoxically, complex usually goes hand in hand with the simple.

During this process, the most important thing we need to remember is who we are doing this for. It is for God’s glory. It is for God’s joy. It is so He can be pleased with us.

When Jesus was baptized, a white dove appeared. The windows of heaven opened up. Matthew 3:17: “And a voice from heaven said, ‘This is my Son, whom I love, with him I am well pleased.’”

I pray that this is what is in our hearts, to please God. Unfortunately, as humans, we can get caught up in consumer Christianity. I learned the term Consumer Christianity from Brian Zahn at Word of Life Church in St. Joseph, Missouri. It means that we treat God like an ATM machine. When we find ourselves in a time of crisis, we simply take the God card to the ATM and get what we need.

I firmly believe that we cannot out give God. I doubt that God blesses us if our motive for giving is to receive. To have a heart change and serve others takes sacrifice. When we do this, God is pleased. When we do this, others benefit.

Remember it is not for our glory. It is for God’s glory. It is for God’s joy. It is so He can be pleased with us.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Change Is Possible, But We Need God

We have talked about how parents must change, so that they are able to be a secure attachment figure for their children.

Romans 8:29 says: “Our purposes is to become like Jesus.” That is, be transformed into His likeness.

Romans 12:2 says: “Do not conform to the pattern of this wo

rld, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Psalm 51 tells us that we need the Holy Spirit in order to be transformed.

That is, receive a new heart. We need to ask God to help us to do that. The molding and shaping of our heart cannot simply be done by willpower. Have you ever used willpower to stop diarrhea? Hopefully that is not too graphic, but it illustrates the point.

We first have to become willing to be open to the Holy Spirit. We don’t have to figure out how to change ourselves. We can’t change our personalities. We can’t change our blueprints by ourselves.

We are not designed to be able to make such changes on our own, but we all have hope through the Word of God.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Parents Must Resolve Issues First

When working with families the primary focus is on the parents.

This is because they are the best and most likely agents of change for the children.

To do this, however, parents must be in the process of resolving their own issues. I believe that this calls for a heart change in them. I tell parents that this will be very challenging for them, but I also give them hope through the Word of God.

My personal experience with heart change helps me to understand their struggles. My personal heart change helps me understand their pain.

Parents have to feel good enough about themselves to be emotionally available for their children. Their window of tolerance needs to be able to handle any emotion that their children bring to them. Parents need to be a secure attachment figure for their child. God calls us to be in a state of love for our children.

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Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.

Celebrate Love, Eliminate Fear

There are times that we all experience emotional and physical pain.

These experiences can last a moment or they can linger. Pay attention to your body when it tells you something is wrong. Take a stand against fear in these situations. Do not let fear generate more emotional pain. Fear creates more tension and therefore increases our physical pain.

Honor the pain and turn to God for healing. Breathe in, and you will feel relaxed and refreshed. Focus on each part of your body to allow the tension to evaporate.

You need to completely trust in God’s healing power of love. Celebrate feeling alive and free of pain.

We all need to attempt to express love in everything we do.

Love drives out fear.

It can be a kind or considerate gesture. It can be a supportive or thoughtful word. Love can be demonstrated in prayer.

Allow your Christ nature to express itself at all times through your behavior, especially when parenting. You should expect nothing in return, knowing that expressing love is a reward in itself.

Every moment of every day should be a celebration of love.

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John13:35

Ken Thom, MS, LPC is a nationally recognized Christian counselor and writer. He is available for parent and individual coaching. Ken is a Post Institute Certified Family Regulatory Therapist, Certified Coach and Great Behavior Breakdown Instructor as well as a certified BCI parent trainer. Ken's book Christian Parent Wisdom is a daily scripture based medication book for parenting children with challenging behaviors. Contact Ken.