Healing Spiritual Shame

This is usually the most challenging area for shame-based people. Spirituality is the deepest level that humans operate from. Spirituality is deep within our core. The ability to live in peace and harmony is a function of our spirituality. Shame contaminates our spirituality. It causes our spirituality to be very negative. Shame keeps us operating from a fear base, not a love base. The basic definition of a shame-based person is at they are flawed and inadequate and do not deserve happiness or success. Shame blocks what God wants for us. Shame reinforces our belief of being unworthy. Shame tells us that we are sinners with no hope. Right now, I’m telling you that there is hope. You may be in a place where that is hard to believe. All I am asking is that you be open to the hope that is available. This will take a paradigm shift of whom and what you believe in. This will take a paradigm shift of where your security is based. I will get right to the point. The paradigm shift I’m asking you to make is to put your hope in Jesus. That is where your security needs to be based. Jesus is who you need to believe in. The word of God is what you need to believe in.

Learn more by reading February 2012 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Releasing the Bondage of Shame in Finances

Shame interferes with a person’s ability to manage their finances successfully. Financial responsibility is not necessarily a function of how much money a person makes. Financial responsibility is based on a person’s attitude about money. Financial responsibility consists of effective and efficient use of resources. The manner in which shame effects finances may not be as obvious as it is in other areas of a person’s life. Shame-based people doubt that they can be financially responsible. They usually don’t believe they deserve success financially. Many times a shame-based person does not have enough money because they are underemployed. Why are they underemployed? Because they don’t believe they can get or deserve a better paying job. Shame-based people usually reject discipline. Therefore, it is hard for them to follow a budget. Saving on a regular basis can be nearly impossible for shame-based people. The same thing goes for investment. Delayed gratification is not a strong characteristic of a shame-based person. If you buy to feel good or to make up for a loss, then you are probably spending out of your shame. Your performance based blueprint tells you to spend more and more. It tells you to buy bigger and bigger.

Learn more by reading January 2012 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Releasing the Bondage of Shame in Relationships

Relationships determine the quality of our life. Bruce Perry, MD, (Trauma, Brain, & Relationships - Helping Children Heal) states: “Everything that is important about life as a human being, you learn in context of relationships.” That’s a very powerful statement. Think about it. When person complains or have a problem it usually has to do with another person. Even if it’s a job issue, personalities are usually involved. We may want not want to admit, but we are in a relationship with our job or our career. There are numerous reasons why shame-based people fail at relationships. There are chapters in books devoted to this topic. I’ll provide an overview of how shame causes failure in relationships. Shame-based people fear intimacy. They are afraid of being hurt again because that is the blueprint of their previous relationships. You need to heal from past hurts is necessary in order to be intimate again. Otherwise, getting close to another person triggers past hurt. Not seeing yourself worthy of being loved is a setup for failure. Some shame-based people will turn into caretakers to “fix” their self-worth.

Learn more by reading January 2012 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Releasing the Bondage of Shame

A paradigm shift is necessary to begin releasing the bondage of shame. The first step in shifting your paradigm begins when you are able to see the world as benevolent and yourself as worthy. A shame-based person does not see their world is being benevolent because of their experiences that have taught them shame in their life. This may seem to be an overwhelming task considering the condition of our world today. If you don’t see the world as benevolent, then everyone is your enemy. This makes it very hard to get anything good out of this world. This is keeps you in a state of hypervigilence and fear. Secondly, shame-based people need to start taking risks. When taking risks, you may lose something of value. What shame-based people fear losing the most is the little bit of self-esteem they already have. This part of the paradigm shift consists of separating yourself (who you are) from your experience. For example, a failing grade does not mean you are a failure. An offer not being accepted is not a rejection of you as a person. It is simply a rejection of your offer. Shame-based people get their self-worth from performance. Separating yourself worth from your performance can be a difficult task. The third step in this paradigm shift is distinguishing between risks that have potential positive outcomes and those risks that are a setup for failure. Initially you need to begin by not repeating previous failures. Identify patterns of failure.

Learn more by reading December 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Where Does Shame Come From? Part II

Shame is taught or learned in many ways. The following is not necessarily an exhaustive list. I’m sure there are many more ways that shame develops into self-defeating patterns in our lives. Even if you do not recognize the example as happening in your life, it may occur to you later on as you explore examples that are familiar to you. Shame-based people block out the past because it is so painful. Allow yourself time to explore your past. Physical abuse - this is touch or sexualized behavior that is hurtful and given without compassion. The message again is that there must be something wrong with you. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have happened. Being made responsible for other people’s behavior - this is being responsible for something you have no control over. For example a parent’s drinking problems, siblings destroying things, or conflicts in the family. Blame - Regardless of what is happening, it is your fault. You become a scapegoat. Being expected to know but never taught or given opportunity to learn - The message here is that your mistakes make you a mistake. Because you don’t intuitively know how to do something, there must be something wrong with you. Sibling comparison - comparisons are made on a wide range from being smart, being athletic, being pretty, to being responsible, and many more. Religion - You were told or you defined yourself as evil or a sinner and need penance to be good. This causes you to be shame-based versus grace-based.

Learn more by reading November 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Where Does Shame Come From? Part I

Shame is taught or learned in many ways. The following is not necessarily an exhaustive list. I’m sure there are many more ways that shame develops into self-defeating patterns in our lives. Even if you do not recognize the example as happening in your life, it may occur to you later on as you explore examples that are familiar to you. Shame-based people block out the past because it is so painful. Allow yourself time to explore your past. Universal criticism - It means that nothing I do is good enough. If I get three A’s and one B, then only the B is focused on. When I clean the house, the dust I missed in one corner is focused on. Neglect - You many have known that you are loved, but there was still a sense that something was missing or that something is wrong with you. This can come from lack of physical presence. On an unconscious level it comes from lack of emotional presence even when the physical presence is there. No rules - Children usually celebrate when they have no rules. The unconscious message is that they are not important enough to have rules. When there are no rules, parents do not pay attention to their children. Rules that could not be met - this occurs when rules are unreasonably high or too rigid to be met. The unconscious message is that something is wrong with you. Lack of touch - not to being held is very abusive. When you see your friends being hugged and you aren’t, the only way to understand it is that there must be something wrong with you.

Learn more by reading November 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Shame vs. Guilt

Shame (Webster) is defined as a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute, deep personal humiliation and disgrace, dishonorable conduct. There is a significant difference in the definitions of shame and guilt. Shame and guilt can exist simultaneously. Many times they do which is why they are confused and are not differentiated. Guilt is more concerned with doing something wrong. Making a mistake produces guilt. Guilty people fear punishment. Shame comes when a person is judged because of doing something wrong. Shame carries with it a feeling of not being wanted. Shame based people do not feel worthy. Shame carries with it a judgment that a person doesn’t measure up. This judgment can come from others. Most detrimentally, it comes from the person. A shame based person never gets away from their own self-condemnation. Physical characteristics of shame include: looking away from eye contact, a racing heart when in social situations, blushing, nausea, strong desire to get away, and the inability to speak or think. Shame people fear abandonment. Oh no, there’s that word again. Shame began in the Garden. The account of this can be found in Genesis, Chapter 3. Sin entered in where there had once been perfect love. This produced fear. Adam and Eve hid because they were afraid. They had become separated from God. I believe their fear was fear of abandonment. I believe they hid because they did not feel worthy (shame).

Learn more by reading October 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives